By Steve Weinstein
By Devon Maloney
By Tessa Stuart
By Alison Flowers
By Albert Samaha
By Jesse Jarnow
By Eric Tsetsi
By Raillan Brooks
ARIES (March 21-April 19): It's Reinvent Your Persona Week, Aries. To stimulate your imagination, pretend it's Halloween for the next seven days. Today, dress up as a skanky biker chick or dude. Tomorrow, be a transgender Bulgarian princess in exile. In the days after that, be a snake dancer, drag racer, CIA agent, professional wrestler, and rodeo clown. Don't just get creative; get outrageously creative. APRIL FOOL! While it is a perfect time to reinvent your persona, and while it's wise to inject more wildness and badness into your style, there's no need to indulge in random experimentation. You already know exactly which way to go.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Life's a bitch and then you die. The more you suffer, the more you learn. If you can't dazzle them with your brilliance, baffle them with your bullshit. If all else fails, manipulate the data. APRIL FOOL! Everything I just said was a dirty lie. I was testing to see how trusting you are of "experts" like meand how susceptible to letting your mood be manipulated by stuff you read in the newspaper. The fact is, Taurus, you can no longer afford to absorb the pathological delusions about reality that are spread by the mass media. I recommend that you go on a fast from TV, radio, films, videos, newspapers, magazines and the Internet for 96 hours. By the end of that time, you will have begun to sense the truth: that life is a benevolent conspiracy designed to bring you blessings and make you really smart.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Stand on a highway overpass and scream a dirty limerick into the wind. Memorize and recite your favorite commercial to a grocery store clerk. Get drunk and throw stones at beer cans. Write a love note to Bill Gates and send it to him in an envelope along with $5. APRIL FOOL! While it is prime time to give yourself to uninhibited departures from normal behavior, it's also important that they feel deeply meaningful. Try the following instead: Climb to a mountaintop and scream a provocative prayer into the wind. Recite an anti-war poem to the grocery store clerk. Meditate yourself into an altered state and throw rotten tomatoes at your personal symbol of evil. Write a short essay about your greatest longing, tie the paper to a helium-filled balloon, and send it aloft on a windy evening.
The Televisionary Oracle
A Novel by Rob Brezsny
A lusty but sensitive rock star encounters the leader of a goddess - worshiping religious order that values pranks as much as prayers.
Check out Rob's band World Entertainment War.
Want to know more about Rob, or look up past horoscopes? Visit freewillastrology.com.
You can contact Rob at firstname.lastname@example.org.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): Make yourself as boring as possible, Cancerian. Avoid every risk that might force you to question your beliefs, and steer clear of adventures that could bring you into contact with people who aren't like you. You need to cultivate safety and security at all costs, and the best way to accomplish that is to hide in your room and do absolutely nothing. APRIL FOOL! I was just kidding. In fact, the best way to cultivate safety and security is to regularly seek out what interests and excites you. And the days ahead should provide ample opportunities to do just that.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Sixty years ago, farmers had to wait an average of 12 weeks for a newborn chick to become an adult chicken. These days, thanks to the miracle of synthetic hormones, antibiotics, and profligate amounts of feed, the process takes six weeks. This amazing change in the life cycle of poultry should be an inspirational model for you in the coming months, Leo. It's high time you started growing twice as fast. APRIL FOOL! Don't you dare try to force yourself to ripen at a breakneck rate. Speed up your pace, yes, but not by more than 20 percent.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): It's the Grunting Season, my dear. Your luck will multiply, and your alignment with cosmic rhythms will grow whenever you engage in activities that provoke your copious grunting. Bench-pressing? Hole digging? Pot washing? Floor mopping? APRIL FOOL! I totally lied. You didn't believe me, did you? In point of fact, Virgo, it's the Sighing Season. Your luck will multiply and your alignment with cosmic rhythms will grow whenever you engage in activities that provoke your copious sighing. Gazing at gorgeous sights? Thinking deeply about the big picture? Making love long and slow?
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): There are only two kinds of people: those who align themselves with the forces of light and those who align themselves with the forces of darkness. And the whole world is now in the grip of a tremendous struggle between the two. You, Libra, must choose which side you're on, once and for all. APRIL FOOL! In fact, every one of us is a mix of good and evil. And it's prime time for you to become hyper-alert about how the two play out in you. Once you've acknowledged your own part in feeding the darkness, you'll have a lot more credibility as a fighter for beauty, truth, peace, love, goodness, and justice.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Last January, I asked my readers to send me their anti-resolutions for the new year: their promises to cultivate weird habits, incorrigible vices, and controversial actions. A list sent to me by a Scorpio woman named Briana happens to be a perfect match for the kinds of behavior you Scorpios should indulge in during the coming week. She vowed to engage in more awkward dancing, loud singing, talking to herself, fascinating egotism, and guilt-free masturbation. Be like her. APRIL FOOL! Everything I just said will be good advice beginning around April 21, but not yet. For now, you really ought to be more demure, humble, and well behaved than usual. It's a period of atonement and adjustment.