By Alex Distefano
By Scott Snowden
By Anna Merlan
By Steve Almond
By Jena Ardell
By Jon Campbell
By Alan Scherstuhl
By Tessa Stuart
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): "What's the meaning of life?" "Who am I?" "Is there a God?" Questions like these are old and tired, and therefore totally beneath you, Sagittarius. It's time that your search for truth kicked into higher gear, leading you to dream up snappier inquiries about the nature of your existence. Try out the following, for example: "What can I do to make my friends and loved ones more perfect?" "Are there any shortcuts I can take to getting everything I want?" "How do I arrange to avoid all pain and have only pleasurable experiences?" APRIL FOOL! This is no time to abandon venerable questions like "What's the meaning of life?"especially now that you're on the verge of uncovering a host of insightful new answers to them.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): At the height of his power, Alexander the Great ruled an empire that stretched from Greece to India. According to legend, he wept because he had no more worlds to conquer. Sounds like you, doesn't it, Capricorn? How could you possibly accomplish any more than you already have? It's sad to think you have nothing left to prove. APRIL FOOL! The truth is this: No matter how adept you are or how much territory you've seized, you've just begun to tap your full potential. Events this week will show you how many intriguing mysteries you have left to explore and master.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Your ego has been writing checks that your body can't cash. Your past has been making promises your future doesn't even want to think about keeping. Your inner beast has been cannibalizing your inner child. Shape up, hypocrite! APRIL FOOL! There has been a gap between your intentions and your effects, but not nearly as great as I implied above. Please forgive me; in the outrageous spirit of the prankster holiday, I was hoping the shock value of my extreme statements would motivate you better than a polite, gentle prod.
The Televisionary Oracle
A Novel by Rob Brezsny
A lusty but sensitive rock star encounters the leader of a goddess - worshiping religious order that values pranks as much as prayers.
Check out Rob's band World Entertainment War.
Want to know more about Rob, or look up past horoscopes? Visit freewillastrology.com.
You can contact Rob at firstname.lastname@example.org.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): The sign on my optometrist's door reads, "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place." That's a good rule for you to live by in the coming days, Pisces. The astrological omens suggest you should hang out in environments where none of your desires can possibly be fulfilled; you'll thrive in the company of people who can't help you reach your goals and don't have the slightest idea what you're interested in. APRIL FOOL! This week of all weeks it's crucial that you risk imitating a Scorpio; which is to say, measure every experience according to how well it serves your drive to get what you want.
Homework: Describe what you'd be like if you were the opposite of yourself. Write: email@example.com.