By Albert Samaha
By Steve Weinstein
By Devon Maloney
By Tessa Stuart
By Alison Flowers
By Albert Samaha
By Jesse Jarnow
By Eric Tsetsi
9:02 Poor John Travolta's being made to introduce a song from Chicago, the blockbuster he turned down. The number starts with risers lifting plus-sized Queen Latifah and preggers Catherine Zeta-Jones. Amazingly, the gals make it up and are supertwo tons of fun. 9:12: A news break-in about Baghdad. We're losing, but hey, Chicago's winning. 9:20: The costume design winner is badly dressed. 10:05: The Best Sound Editing winner stutters. 10:07: "If Frida was alive, she'd be on our side against the war." Yeah, but she'd probably be against that movie, too.
10:15: "We are against the war, Mr. Bush!" screeches Michael Moore, bringing the night's subtext to a boil. It's electrifying. Scorsese looks appalled, Chad Lowe stunned, Nicole Kidman unwilling to show any emotion. Moore will surely be audited. 10:50: Adrien Brody wins for depicting the horrors of wartime. He deserves another award for telling the band to shut up. His speech is as controlled as Moore's was shrill, and just as impactful. I should have been friendlier to his Voicephotographer mother all these years. I love you, Sylvia Plachy!
11:00: "Oscar winner Eminem" has an insane ring to it. "He has a good heart," insists his collaborator. The world is truly endingbut at least U2didn't get it. In fact, Gangs got completely banged. (It's the most disorganized movie ever made. Don't buy it.) 11:15: Nicole wins, even though she touched Jude Law. She's not even the best actress in that one movie, but she survived Tom and the schnoz. Imagine what she could do with Frida's unibrow. 11:48: Polanski nabs director. The Holocaust trumped statutory rape.
11:56: By now, Gere, Sarandon, and Streisandare the only ones not verbally condemning the war. But predictability returns when Chicago gets Best Picture, the ad campaign invoking Watergate having convinced people the movie was historically significant. But now every two-bit musical will be greenlighted, and the result will almost sink Hollywood, just like in the '60s. Have you forgotten?