By Jared Chausow
By Katie Toth
By Elizabeth Flock
By Albert Samaha
By Anna Merlan
By Jon Campbell
By Jon Campbell
By Albert Samaha
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): The ancient Egyptian creator god Ptah was regarded as a miracle worker, though sometimes he used unconventional means to accomplish his amazing feats. Legend held that he defeated a legion of Assyrian marauders with an army of rats. Waiting till the enemy soldiers were asleep, Ptah sent the rats into their camp to gnaw through their bowstrings and shield handles, rendering them defenseless. Can you imagine a way in which you might draw inspiration from the Egyptian god's methods, and win a great victory by summoning the help of an influence you usually regard as a pest?
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Self-anointed "debunkers" rail against astrologers' predictions, acting as if speculating about the future were a crime against rational thought. Meanwhile, economists, meteorologists, sportscasters, trend analysts, and political pundits are out there regularly making bad prognostications based on dubious data. In my opinion, they spread more delusion and cost people more money than those of us who divine cosmic omens. For example, the National Weather Service's forecasts fail to anticipate more than half of all tornadoes and flash floods. But do debunkers denounce them as quacks? Never. Sorry for the rant, Gemini, but I have a prophetic point to make: Every single hypothesis about the future that you are aware of now and that you hear about in the next four weeks will be wrongexcept, of course, this one.
The Televisionary Oracle
A Novel by Rob Brezsny
A lusty but sensitive rock star encounters the leader of a goddess - worshiping religious order that values pranks as much as prayers.
Check out Rob's band World Entertainment War.
Want to know more about Rob, or look up past horoscopes? Visit freewillastrology.com.
You can contact Rob at firstname.lastname@example.org.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): It's Freethinkers Week, a holiday created especially for Cancerians. To celebrate this liberating grace period, indulge in one of these festive acts: (1) Declare your independence from anyone who tries to tell you, either subliminally or directly, who you are or how you should live your life. (2) Declare your independence from your past, especially memories that oppress your sense of possibility and self-images that inhibit your urge to explore. (3) Declare your independence from peer pressure, groupthink, and conventional wisdom. (4) Declare your independence from your previous conceptions of freedom so that you'll be free to come to a completely fresh understanding of it.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): It's prime time for you to acquire a pair of lucky pants. They'll endow you with an intuitive sense of where to walk in order to have adventures that'll inspire you to see the big picture. It will also be a favorable week for you to rummage around in thrift stores until you find a pair of magic X-ray specs that'll give you the power to perceive the secret motives of everyone you gaze upon. And I predict you'll soon have a vivid dream in which you explore what's hidden below the tip of the iceberg.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): I love it when I'm so energized and purified from riding my bike up Mt. Tamalpais that I experience a lightning bolt of realization about some crucial truth. I love it when I'm walking through the city's trash-spattered concrete jungle and am suddenly blessed with the fresh smell of dirt from a renegade garden. I love it when the pathological decisions of bad leaders inspire my tribe to redouble its commitment to fight for outrageous peace, ingenious love, and wild understanding. What about you, Virgo? Where do you look for your breakthroughs and redemptions? It's time to be on high alert.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Your idealism is one of your greatest assets, but it can also be a liability. Driven to seek beauty and harmony, you sometimes become blind to the messy truth. That's why I was so pleased to get the following oracle when I consulted the ancient Chinese book of divination, the I Ching, on your behalf: "It is only when you have the courage to face things exactly as they are, without any self-deception or illusion, that a light will develop out of events by which the path to success may be recognized." I interpret this to mean that you are about to temporarily suspend your idealism in order to see the messy truth, which will in turn lead you to an opportunity to practice your idealism on a higher level.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): In their book An Incomplete Education, Judy Jones and William Wilson list the favorite colors of famous poets. T.S. Eliot loved eggplant, sable, and mustard. Wallace Stevens preferred vermilion, chartreuse, and wine, while Ezra Pound liked ivory and jade. In light of current astrological omens, which are nudging you in the direction of greater subtlety and precision, I urge you to draw inspiration from these poets' lyrical tastes. Refine your definitions of your favorite everything, Scorpio: colors, smells, feelings, tastes, physical sensations, tones of voice, types of wind, qualities of lighteverything.