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Taxingly enough, Tavern on the Green recently tried to "Americanize" its menu to distance itself from French weasels, as Page Six reported. This colossal act of spite prompted angry responses, ex-patron Richard Ember writing them, "Are you really so spineless that you are afraid to honor French cuisine because our government has chosen to vilify the French for daring to oppose its plans to start a war?" The restaurant's managing director answered that they still have French terms on their menu, and "the statement made was our way of poking fun at the menu changes going on. We realize . . . the current . . . divisiveness between us and France and the overreaction on the part of some Americans is unseemly. We are not, in fact, boycotting French products." No, just renaming them! (Since then, the joint dropped the "joke" and has gone back to shocking and awing with shock and au jus.)

Yasmina Reza's French, but don't boycott, or even girlcott, her Albee-wannabe play Life (x) 3—it stars Helen Hunt, an Oscar winner I'd like to get to know (or at least her mother). Is there life after Oscar? Yes, in fact, as her co-star voraciously chews the scenery, Helen grounds it all with class and dignity. Hungarians and people in Queens are happy.

Fellow downtown DJs are thrilled now that Penelope Tuesdaehas shot a Playboy spread and reports, "I was styled with lots of bling bling." But the real star of the week was Altagracia Guzman, so adorable (and clothed) as the meddlesome granny in Raising Victor Vargas. After the film's premiere last week, the little vixen bowed on a balcony for hours, then distanced herself from her character by yelling to the crowd, "I have a good heart! I don't treat my baby like that!" I love you, Altagracia. If your baby ever gets an Oscar, let's stay close.


musto@villagevoice.com

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