The question is not whether you've wondered what type of 'ho your mother (girlfriend, sister, unborn niece) is. The question is, How often, and with what conclusions? Sure, I could tell you what kind of 'ho your mom be. But maybe you see things a different way; maybe you notice her heading down to the basement with an armload of your dirty socks and think, My mom be a Laundry 'Ho. Or maybe she plans to start growing her own vegetables, and you think, My mom be a Garden 'Ho. Or she enjoys eating at Howard Johnson's, and is therefore a 'HoJo. Or frequently attends swap meets, making her a Quid Pro 'Ho . . . the possibilities are endless. (Nas even called Jay-Z a "Tae-Bo Ho," but I think that was just a "dis.")

'Ho, er, who better to lay the ground rules for 'ho-dom than the Original Gangsta himself, the man behind lots of . . . songs—Ice-T? (Well, Big Daddy Kane would be better. Unfortunately, his Pimpin' Ain't Easy, But It Sure Beats Being an Rocket Scientist, That Shit's Hard won't be released until he "gets [his] fat f-ckin' gold chain out of hock.") In Ice-T's Pimpin' 101 (IVD, written and directed by Tony Diablo) the rapper-actor-crocodile-suit-wearer claims that "all of us are 'hos in one way or another," and that "very few will ever get a chance to truly pimp." No arguments there. Who wouldn't sleep around to score a cool column?

But enough about me. We're studying female 'hos. Ice delineates five (garden) varieties: the "Track 'Ho" (not to be confused with the "Flo Jo 'Ho"); "Carpet 'Ho" (lays on the floor—only kidding); "Stripper" (self-explanatory); and "Wife" (their johns have all sorts of names, like Frank and Bill). Since this is an instructional video meant to be shown in Pimp Universities and specialized Clown College programs (Pimpin' 202 is slated for the fall semester), Ice describes the habitat and mannerisms of each species by way of introducing segments showing the women—sorry, 'hos—at work, from negotiation to the money shot.

Meet the Track 'Ho. (Here track means "street," and 'ho means "'ho.") The massive-mammed blond approaches a white stretch SUV that pulls up to her. Ice cameos as the driver, and notes in an aside that the two white trash boys in the back just won at the casino and plan on getting their winning's worth with some rough stuff. (That Tony Diablo—what a misogenius!) Ugly guys, dirty talk, strenuous sex, uncomfortable SUV seats—these do not a truly rough scene make. Not if you're expecting American Psycho, anyhow. Things end badly enough, though: The dudes shove Track out of the truck, onto her ass. And Ice says "'hoin' ain't hard"!

It may not be a red you-know-what, but in comparison, Carpet 'Hos walk on easy street. They'll "date anybody with money" and often pose as groupies, our host explains. In this bland vignette, a rapper played by the agreeable Mr. Marcus brings a woman wearing a "Got Money?" tube top back to his room. After stepping out of her tattered jean short-shorts, Carpet spreads her lips and blurts, "Stick your dick right here!" He obeys, sticking it in and pulling it out for some time. Apparently not satisfied with the new "pearl necklace" the star subsequently squirts, she steals his bling when he steps into the shower. I'm not sure what any of this has to do with the wall-to-wall stuff.

Besides fine 'ho Sharon Wilde's typically sloptacular suck-off, which takes place in the Champagne Room of Ice's L.A. nudie bar, the Stripper segment offers little in the way of insight on the female psyche. Ice may be soft on dancers—he calls them his "favorite form of 'ho," owing to the fact that they somehow "do not believe they're prostitutes." Call Girl 'Hos and their clients ("elderly cats, businessmen") harbor no illusions about their exchange: "He wants to fuck the dog shit out of them, and they want to break his ass." While not elderly, this scene's cat nabs two fine kittens. No one breaks his ass, but he does fuck the cat shit out of one 'ho, if you know what I mean.

By the way, Pimpin' 101's soundtrack features poorly dubbed tracks by heavyweights like Busta Rhymes and M.O.P. The Wife 'Ho almost gives it up to the strains of a finely wrought chorus, by I don't know who, shouting out all the "wives" and "mothers" and "daughters" who "suck dick—they all the same dirty bitches!" As it's his wedding night, the groom's "dick is as hard as Chinese Arithmetic," but after he goes down, his virginal and cutely conservative-looking wife suddenly gets her monthly and a headache. Maybe she's not a 'ho after all!

Pornos put out by hip hoppers are becoming as common as yeast infections, so here's the scorecard: Ice-T beats Snoop Dog beats Too Short. That's right, on the flaccidcore Too-$hort T*tty City (MVD), Shorty the Pimp 'hos out his loyal fans. One night at the Gentleman's Club in the titular "Titty City," Atlanta, Short Dog invited over a couple famous friends, hired a hot music video extra named Vagaz to conduct interviews with them, and, most insultingly, convinced his ugly sister Smokey to be filmed at home walking around in a chain-mail bathing suit.

Since stoners ramble and no one fucks, choice quotes follow. Too Short: "If you're in love, you need to quit fakin' like you a playa . . . watch a little cable." Scarface: "I make a skinny bitch quit." Vagaz: "I hate bitch-ass niggas." Smokey: "I think I'm gonna kick Petey Pablo's ass. . . . He's takin' off his shirt, swingin' it around like a helicopter."

Let me punk out like Shorty himself by ending this review with a long quote from a chapter in Richard Meltzer's book, L.A. Is the Capital of Kansas, titled "Tits in Titsville."

Like here I am, here you are, here are we all in a townlousy with tits, where they flutter like a floating theme park eight days a week, fifty-three weeks a year, where suntanned cleavage is the official Unofficial Civic Coat of Arms, and I'm wondering what people (heteromales in particular, m'self included),see in tits anymore anyway, like how come after decades of BRANDISHMENT by every Jayne, Dolly and Raquel they still "play"?

As for middling orgy Gangsta Rap (Video Team), you're not even being ripped off by a has-been rapper. Word to your mother!




Fatt, 9610 Desoto Avenue, Chatsworth, CA 91311, www.fattentertainment.com

MVD, PO Box 280, Oaks, PA, 19456, www.musicvideodistributors.com

Video Team, 11151 Vanowen Street, North Hollywood, CA 91605, www.afro-centric.com
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