By Jena Ardell
By Jon Campbell
By Alan Scherstuhl
By Tessa Stuart
By Roy Edroso
By Jon Campbell
By Albert Samaha
By Zachary D. Roberts
Despite that war thing, free restaurant tastings have kept coming in droves, and I've felt it impolite to say no to any of themhow would that have helped liberate Iraq? As a result, I can now rummage through the barracks of my mind and stomach and dig up the wondrous whoring highlights. There was Bao 111 (so insistently fabuloso it doesn't even have its name on the door. Young, loud, cramped, and you get the whole fish staring at you. The dishes without heads are better); Capitale (a glitzy gamble. An elaborate former Bowery Savings Bank, snazzily restored, in the middle of welfare hotels and vegetable stands. Sumptuous ambience in which to nibble on bison with chocolate oil, but fucking freezing when I went; you'd think the bonfire of the vanities would have thrown off some heat); Tuscan (a unique experience in fussy love. A waiter takes away your glass, another one puts it back, and then a third comes along to angle it. But the vittles are fine and the chef's mom's a dollshe table-hops!).
Morton's (heart-attack food, but well worth croaking for. Before you order, the waiter does a breathless 10-minute presentation, introducing you to each possible steak and potato. "Hi, steak." "Let's have lunch, potato." A sample lobster, with taped claws, squirms before you. You wonder if all the crustaceans submit résumés for this display job); Patroon (steak Diane and bananas Foster are flambéed right at your table by a charming Frenchman. Those aren't drag queens, they're specialty dishes. As the only man not in a suit, you're glad the flames help block your ratty sweatshirt); Ciao (a touristy bistro, not dissimilar to that old "Bellissima!" place on SNL. You expect a phallic pepper mill grinding in your face); Taja (gyrating navels, couscous up the wazoo, and a campy waiter who swears Madonna told his friend, "My brain's bigger than my talent." But not as big as my tummy, honey. Belch!!!).
Mass destruction also hasn't stopped movie premieres, where you get truckloads of free foodbut not until you've sat through some excruciatingly well-meaning psychodrama. There was just such an event for the roman-à-cleft-chin It Runs in the Family, though as the Douglas clan inadvertently wallow in more and more of their real-life dysfunctions, the flick does develop a certain fascination. In fact, when Michael Douglas got caught cheating, I was dying to turn around and catch Catherine Zeta-Jones's expression. (I bet she was beaming, thinking "Ka-ching!")
People I Know has far less bearing on any realityand provided me with no free food whatsoeverthough I did titter when squalid publicist Al Pacino says, "This is not a room, it's a vagina," and starlet Téa Leoni answers, "And how would you know what a vagina looks like?" This is the movie a columnist was touting as a big Oscar contender when it didn't even have a release date. I hear that was a ploy to try to get the turkey a release date, and now that it's finally gotten one, Thanksgiving's come early this year. Double belch!
There was a massive dinner after Thank You, Beverly!a Lincoln Center tribute to coloratura legend Beverly Sillsbut I was only invited to the cocktails and show portions of the evening, and was totally fine with that. (Motherfuckers!!!) Anyway, the event was slick and high-toned, though Mayor Bloomberg awkwardly used aria titles to salute the honoree ("It was 'Un Bel Dì' when we met") and at the end, we were all made to stand andto the tune of "America"sing, "Oh, Beverly, how cleverly . . . " I'm definitely getting a new agent.
To prove my incredible range, I'm now going to segue from an ex-opera diva's administrative send-off to a tag sale of racy goods at a closed s&m bar. (Damn, I'm good.) A sort of Lincoln Center for institutionalized pain, the L.U.R.E.it stands for Leather Uniform Rubber Etc.was a popular Meat Market fetish haven for nine years, starting way before Stella McCartneyand Belgian restaurants made the neighborhood really kinky. The richly atmospheric nipples-and-poppers palace was recently shuttered, a victim of the gentrified area's skyrocketing rents and escalating post-9-11 insurance rates. (The smoking ban would have killed it too; L.U.R.E. clients were incomplete without smoldering cigars, especially the ones put out on their foreheads.)
Last week, the joint sold off its artifacts, which specialized in tough-guy posturing and leathery lust, though a surprising number of them dabbled in wispy angel-wing imagery. (The paintings of flying dicks make you long to be an air traffic controller.) S&m paraphernalia has never been so sentiment-drenched; we stood there nearly sobbing over stuff like the historically hurtful St. Andrews bondage cross with chains, though I wasn't broken up enough to bid on it. At least if the place turns into another Belgian restaurantthe kind that gives tastingsthere are probably waffle irons already on the premises. (PS: Last week, Sex and the City shot outside the L.U.R.E. spaceSamantha lives upstairsand will allude, I hear, to how the nabe's changing face is providing less sex in the city.)