By Jena Ardell
By Jon Campbell
By Alan Scherstuhl
By Tessa Stuart
By Roy Edroso
By Jon Campbell
By Albert Samaha
By Zachary D. Roberts
Ice Cube starred in Barbershop, Dr. Dre in The Wash, MC Ren and Eazy-E probably ended up in some home movies, but DJ Yella ("the Quiet One") is the only former N.W.A. member to become involved in porn. Unless, of course, you count Cube's hentai-echoing Anaconda, in which a huge snake chases J. Lo around in the Amazon. Or Training Day, in which Dre had a supporting role, and Ethan Hawke gets fucked by Denzel Washington. (Figuratively.)
DJ Yella's Real2Reel (Elegant Angel) beats The Wash by an urban mile, but then again, Yella possesses the good sense not to cast Dr. Dre and Snoop Dog. Instead, he drives around in an M-class or Hummer, looking for girls with no class who give hummers. Rather ingeniously, the movie is an acted version of Bang Bus, an online-only reality series in which three guys pick women up and convince them to fuck over the course of an hour or so. A bitch iz a bitch, as the old chestnut goes, but not every woman iz a 'ho.
But just as Snoop convincingly portrays stoners, porn stars easily inhabit the 'ho role. And Yella learned his Bang Bus lessons well. First rule: Don't stop talking to potential Bang Busteds. Second rule: same as the first. Yella, accompanied by a fat buddy with a woolly beard sort of like Freeway's, starts by trolling the parking lot outside of a Vegas casino. He drives over to the only woman around; she is, conveniently enough, a cutie, with loose ringlets piled on top of her head and a J. Lo booty big enough for even the most voracious butt pirates.
Yella, of course, plays the snake, tempting this parking lot Eve with the apple of . . . actually, I'm not sure how he's tempting her. More like disarming, using his silly but kind, surprisingly high-pitched voice and Dr. Hibbard laugh to flirt from the truck: "Hey. Hey girl. Ah hee hee hee!" She waves demurely and keeps walking. "Is it like that? I was just admiring you. Ah hee hee hee!" I thought Yella was just a washed-up minor figure from a long-inactive rap group, but Eve soon realizes that she recognizes himfrom his movies! By this time, he's disembarked from the whip and followed Eve to her train stop, using his cell phone to call an actor she admits to admiring. Once off the trainFattie waits with the M-class outsideshe demands to know where said actor is. "Just trust me! What do you call people who want things instantly? Expeditionists?" (Ah hee hee hee!)
Once in the hotel room, Eve grows shy around the entourage, and cameraman Yella herds them out with orders for lunch. He requests fried chicken, ketchup only, and Eve a ham sandwich "without lettuce." "Scoop me a burgerno pickles," requests her dream-guy, a decently handsome, muscled dude. "I dont fuck with pickles." Naturally, Eve fucks his pickle, after stripping out of her tight clothes to reveal very cute, matching pink bra and panties that cling to her round rear and pointy front. Here the verisimilitude vanishes; the bright lights come onthankfully, since Eves face has been shrouded in darkness from the beginningand professional sex begins. But Yella, who edited the flick, dices the action into quick, but not obnoxious, cuts, never lingering too long on one position. We never find out what happened with the ham sandwich.
Yella goes on to capture a raw-eggs-drinking dude rather unconvincingly convince a stripper with braces to get eaten out, among other things, in his kitchen. (If you cant stand the heat . . . ) Johnny Beats, a rap protégé of Yellas, winds up a porn protégé, unleashing what is seriously an Anaconda-length willy on the also hugely endowed Crystal Kerrington, who recognizes Yella out at the studio, and the furry-hatted Adina Jewel. (Of Crystal, Beats says, "Thembigmuhfuhrighdere!") Fattie picks up a dowdily dressed college student at a gas station ("We're like alumnis or something. . . . We've been in that class for two semesters") who claims to orgasm giving oral, though doesn't even climax while being double-teamed. Finally, the big Beats takes on "exhibitionist" (not expeditionistshe takes her clothes off) Angel Eyes.
Sista 16 (Afro-Centric) stars two of porno's hottest, India and Lacey. India once appeared on VH1 special Porn To Rock, a doc about starlets with musical ambitions. (If only she knew DJ Yella!) Lacey resembles 50 Cent; like him, she seems to be grinning even when she's not. (Although she doesn't get [cum]shot even once during this all-woman feature.) Fuglies abound, but they're so dirty you might not mind. One chick, possibly Unique, gets things rolling with some one-cheek motion, jiggling the right, then left, in a neat twist on the Miami bass-style motor booty. She, a big-mama type, and the inaptly named Lil Ass choke and fuck each other in the ass with dildos, spitting all over. In a much warmer scene, Alicia Keys look-alike Simone drops her towel and induces the ultra-pert India to lick her waistline tattoo ("Lick Me") and strap one on. The big-bustednot busted, 50 Cent comparisons asideLacey wraps things up with a five-star poolside threesome.
With its blinged-out logo and cash-and-dice-strewn cover, Bangin in Da Hood Volume Seven (Legend) promises a late-capitalist sociological study. Sadly, white director and star Mark Wood barely delivers a passable porno (a beefy man named Schwarzencock ruins one scene). The generously jiggly Tana, Tamika, Candace, and Mia all take it on a couch, each position in turn, usually in the same order. Wood clearly favors a pretty, skinnier woman whose name was not intelligible; he was willing to pay her extra for anal. I will say she sucks a mean cock. (Actually, for all the movies shortcomings, I thought Mark's cock was pretty nice.) And you expected for Boyz 'N the Hood?
Afro-Centric, 11151 Vanowen Street, North Hollywood, CA 91605, www.afro-centric.com Elegant Angel, 9801 Variel Street, Chatsworth, CA 91311, www.elegantangel.com Legend, 9145 Owensmouth Avenue, Chatsworth, CA 91311, www.legenddirect.com