By Alex Distefano
By Scott Snowden
By Anna Merlan
By Steve Almond
By Jena Ardell
By Jon Campbell
By Alan Scherstuhl
By Tessa Stuart
Homothugs keep it realreal masculine, that isat this safer-sex party in Harlem. Plan ahead (way ahead: Is there still time to hire a personal trainer? Because admission policy is "discretionary"). If you think you've got what it takes to join the chocolate factory, send stats and face and body pics to firstname.lastname@example.org. Fri & Sat at 11, 212-926-8822, ndahood.com. (CS)
'JOY' & 'UNDER THE RAINBOW II' AT SBNY
This Flatiron/Chelsea institution rarely deviates from its winning formula: Expect a mix of cruisy regulars and fresh-eyed tourists, cheesy decor, house classics, and bartenders of ox-like proportions. Saturday boasts Grammy Award-winning producer Hex Hector along with Splash's signature shower show. Sunday is "Under the Rainbow II" with DJ Susan Morabito and DJ Max Rodriguez, with no end of feel-good extras, like "DJ Max's Special Gay Pride Tribute Video Compilation" and "sporadic energy buffet." You get the idea. Sat at 10, Sun at 6, SBNY, 50 W 17th, 212-533-5757, splashbar.com, $30. (CS)
'COLOR ME QUEER'
Tonight, queer people of color shake it up on the main floor to funk, drum'n'bass, bhangra, hip-hop, and everything in between, courtesy of DJ Rekha. Desi classics by DJ Ibrahim. All proceeds to benefit the Audre Lorde Project (word!) and the South Asian Lesbian and Gay Association. Sat at 8, Club Shelter, 20 W 39th, 212-719-4479, $20. (CS)
Last year Victor Calderone's "Provocateur" boasted Alan Cumming as host of an Eyes Wide Shut-style masquerade. This year's fete finds himstill smarting from some of last year's technical mishapspromising a stripped-down, back- to-roots affair faithful to his burgeoning interest in tribal music. Out with the symphony orchestra, in with the 20-person percussion corps. Diva extraordinaire Kevin Aviance heads a cadre of warrior go-go boys. Calderone claims to have gotten the kinks out; will you? Sat at 10, Hammerstein Ballroom, 311 W 34th, 866-215-1026, $60. (CS)
Remember that time you partied well into Monday, did so much kiki your septum glowed radioactive, had a nervous breakdown, flushed your dealer's number down the toiletand still didn't get laid? Me neither. But if you did, it's a good chance your troubles started at Roxy, now the longest-running gay party anywhere. Peter Rauhofer and Manny Lehman join forces on a double bill. N.B.: If you're underage and itchin' to get your club on, this event is 18 and over. Sat at 11, Roxy, 515 W 18th, 212-645-5156, jblair.com, $55. (CS)
Escuelita, where the manmilk is cinnamon-and-mocha-flavored, hosts a two-night Pride bacchanalia. Two-for-one well drinks the first hour after doors open. Always a draw for this queer peer is Harmonica Sunbeam, who performs twice Sunday night. Ms. Kevin Aviance ought to watch her back when Sunbeam lights up the house; her Whitney Houston is off the hook. Sat at 10 & Sun at 7, Escuelita, 301 W 39th, 212-631-0588, $15. (CS)
'WAREHOUSE 6TH ANNIVERSARY PRIDE WEEKEND'
This homothug heaven way up in borough five turns six. Following their remote party at Roxy Friday night, the boys bring it home to the Bronx Saturday with a 12-hour dance party: three rooms of music, exotic dancers, and a surprise show. Sat at 11:30, Warehouse New York, 141 E 140th, Bx, 718-992-5974, $20. (CS)
The title of Junior Vasquez's party-to-end-all-Pride-parties (literally: the boys'll be dancing their feet raw well into Monday night) evokes the recent Christina Aguilera anthem that so made my spring bearable. But don't expect the recently tubbified diva to show. In fact, as of press time, it's unclear whether any performersTamya? Solange?are confirmed. No matter: Juniorheads will walk through broken glass to pay homage to the master. Billy Carroll opens. Sun at 11, Roxy, 515 W 18th, 212-645-5156, $45 from marknelson.biz, $75 at the door. (CS)
'BLACK PRIDE BENEFIT BOATRIDE'
Get your ass on down to the Paddlewheel Queen and shake your booty on one of two dancefloors, with music by DJs Fred Pierce and Calvin Smith. Also on deck are a free Absolut vodka tasting, cash bar, and a light buffetbut take it easy on the nosh. The operative phrase on Pride is "whatever floats your boat," not your "bloat." Sun at 5:30, boards at 23rd & FDR Dr, 212-613-0097, $40. (CS)
'GAY PORN PRIDE AREA 10009'
In the year or so since it's opened, this medium-sized East Village club has provided old-school fun for twentysumpins who like to think dirty but keep their Lacoste shirts clean. On Pride weekend, the club opens on Sunday instead of Friday, and hosts Mario Diaz and Cazwell hold a strip contest with a $500 cash prize. In the Lover's Lounge, drop your pants to join the Panty Party. Sophia Lamar, Amanda Lepore, and Formika, among others, will grace us with their presence. Sun at 10 p.m., Opaline, 85 Ave A, 212-995-8684, $20. (CS)
This new tea dance, organized by Mark Nelson, has just added "Official Pier Dance Afterparty" to its banner, and the questions are a-flyin': Will the untested space at B-Lo hold the assembled masses? Is the venue too high-end for the hot-and-sweaties? Will the diverse crowdChelsea boys, B&Ters, and, (shocker!) lesbianscongeal? This isn't brain surgery, folks. It's a party. You go, you dance, you rock. DJ Guido headlines; performances by dance artist Inda-Matrix, among others, add camp appeal. Sun at 6, B-Lo, 230 W 19th, 212-206-7579, $20. (CS)