NY Mirror

There are well-groomed straight people in Legally Blonde 2: Red, White, and Blonde, but they have gay dogs—you know, the kind that don't stop at just sniffing each other's butts. The flick—like all sequels except for The Godfather II and Julio Iglesias Jr.—is strained and manipulative, but it's ultimately smile inducing, sending home the profound message "Speak out for the land of the free gift with purchase!" Aptly enough, the premiere's invites came replete with tickets redeemable for gift bags, which turned out to brim with hair curlers, eyebrow-pencil sharpeners, and a Reese Witherspoon doll—yes, the little moppet has now officially become a Mattel product.

The loot was snatched up at the post-screening bash, which turned Christie's into a sprawling mass of nail salons, candy counters, and wafer-thin girls staring at the mounds of sweets as if they were creatures from 28 Days Later. (Even more poignant was the breaking news that Carolyn Bessette Kennedy's last plane ride may have been doomed by her pedicure scheduling. This movie argues that grooming principles can save lives.) Jennifer Coolidge—who's priceless as the manicurist who squeals, "Let's start discharging!"—was being lavished with praise but confessed to me, "I can't tell you how uncomfortable I am watching myself. I can't stand looking at the terrible choices I made!" Honey, I want that etched on my tombstone—though I'm sure that's just another terrible choice.

By the Rice Krispies cakes, Justin Bond(a/k/a Kiki of Kiki & Herb fame) talked about his own offbeat trajectories, admitting he's been palling around with movie presence Tilda Swinton and adding, "She's a gay man in a Scottish woman's body." Send over two copies of Set Free!

Or just one copy of How to Become Famous in Two Weeks or Less, which co-author Melissa De La Cruz tells me is being adapted into a movie in which publicists (one of whom they'd like to be played by Salma Hayek) turn an It girl into a nobody and a nobody into an It girl. And youthought there was no difference.

musto@villagevoice.com