By Alex Distefano
By Scott Snowden
By Anna Merlan
By Steve Almond
By Jena Ardell
By Jon Campbell
By Alan Scherstuhl
By Tessa Stuart
ARIES (March 21-April 19): I hope you decided against participating in that weird contestyou know, the one in which you would have competed to see who could bang their head against the wall the most times before passing out. I trust you also turned down any invitations to show off your amazing wounds or prove how attractive your problems are. Continue to show a similar forbearance in the coming week, Aries. The worst is over. The pressure to express yourself perversely will soon diminish as the very hassles that have been frustrating you morph into elegant opportunities.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Karvina, a town in the Czech Republic, has passed a law making it illegal to grow weeds. Offenders can be forced to pay a hefty fine if the Weeds Commission finds, say, a thistle flourishing amid the potato plants. I'm tempted to enforce an equally stringent requirement on you Tauruses, at least for the next two weeks. For your own long-term good, as well as everyone else's, you cannot afford to be lax toward interlopers, whether they're actual or metaphorical weeds. Maintain the highest standards, please. Commit yourself with passionate integrity to incorruptible purity.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): You should be seriously considered for employee of the month. I love how you've been brightening up the workplace with your bursts of imaginative flair. If your associates have not yet registered the fact that your considerable value has risen even further, I urge you to show them this horoscope. In another matter, I'm certain that you should also be named shopper of the month. On the one hand you've been healing an obsessive glitch in your consumer habits, while on the other hand you've been delightfully intuitive about which purchases will improve your life in the most lasting ways.
The Televisionary Oracle
A Novel by Rob Brezsny
A lusty but sensitive rock star encounters the leader of a goddess - worshiping religious order that values pranks as much as prayers.
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Want to know more about Rob, or look up past horoscopes? Visit freewillastrology.com.
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CANCER (June 21-July 22):In a scene on the HBO TV show Six Feet Under, George told Ruth about a house he'd owned in New England. Built over a stream, it had originally been a mill, though the wheel and grinding stones had been removed decades before. After he'd lived there for a while, George decided to put a new floor in the kitchen. He ripped out the old surface, then tore up the first wooden plank of the foundation below. There, just two feet below him, was the streamalive, sparkling, thrilling. He had known about it all along, but at that moment he actually saw it flowing beneath his house. I predict you will have a similar breakthrough in the coming week, Cancer. You will commune intimately with a source of magic you have so far had only indirect or imaginative contact with.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): When many people talk about their childhoods, they emphasize the alienating, traumatic experiences they suffered. Few report vivid memories of the good times. This has always felt dishonest to me; I attribute it to the cynical tenor of our age rather than the objective truth. In saying that, I don't mean to downplay the way our early encounters with pain demoralize our spirits. But you are in a phase when it's crucial for you to acknowledge and honor the gifts you were given in your early years: all the joyful encounters, wise teachings, and blessings that helped you bloom.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22):You'll be in a hearty, even triumphant mood in the coming week. There'll be few, if any, loose ends. Unfinished business will either complete itself or reveal to you how to wrap it up simply and quickly. But, even if you have to pass through a moment or two of dark doubt, it's essential that you stay committed to your mood of hearty triumph. Write down this poem from Tony Hoagland and carry it around in your wallet: "No matter how you feel, you have to act like you are very popular with yourself; very relaxed and purposeful, very unconfused and not like you are walking through the sunshine singing in chains."
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Black South Africans fought for more than 40 years to dismantle the oppressive system of apartheid. One of their most potent weapons was toyi-toyi, a militantly exuberant form of singing and dancing. It mobilized the energy of crowds at the large protest demonstrations that ultimately broke the will of the white minority rulers. Imagine how confounded their authoritarian minds must have been when confronted with thousands of high-spirited people singing and dancing in unison. I wish you were uninhibited enough to lead a celebratory form of uprising like toyi-toyi, Libra. There's a status quo you're part of that desperately needs a friendly shock of that caliber. Can you maybe think of something a little less outrageous but equally fun, rebellious, and effective?
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): If you're a songwriter, it's a good time to make yourself a Jennifer Lopez sock puppet, install it on your left hand, and ask it to help you create a tune that will sell a million copies. If you're a painter, it's a perfect moment to channel the spirit of Pablo Picasso as you dash off a few dozen masterworks, and if you're a writer, you should pretend you're the reincarnation of F. Scott Fitzgerald and whip out a future bestseller. In short, Scorpio, I recommend that you imitate people who have been successful in the way that you want to be. If necessary, get a new hero who inspires you to even greater heights than your old familiar heroes.