By Alex Distefano
By Scott Snowden
By Anna Merlan
By Steve Almond
By Jena Ardell
By Jon Campbell
By Alan Scherstuhl
By Tessa Stuart
It was Freud who said a bunch of stuff I don't remember about sex and death. (Or was it some other cokehead I met in a bar? If only I could find my notes . . . ) Personally, I associate sex with birthnamely, how to avoid the latter while freely engaging in the former. Which is not to say I don't look forward to someday dropping a few guppies into the great fishbowl and watching 'em dart for the meager sustenance so indiscriminately sprinkled by the Unseen Hand. The circle of life: how unyielding! Yet how it turns, cranked by that furious baby-making driveand, let us not forget, attendant desire for what Frenchies call the "little death." As for this week's selections, be warned: you may sooner off yourself than get off.
Not wanting to be too timely, I saved the tasteless Chunky on the Fourth of July (Skintight) till after the holiday. Check out the movie's back-of-the-box plot summary:
Ripped from today's headlines,Chunky on the Fourth of July is the true story of a chunky veteran's return home after serving a tour of duty in war-torn Iraq. Once a young, pretty fuckhole with a bright future as a stripper, Roxy Blaze returns from the war as hooked-nosed heifer with a broken foot and a busted-ass hymen. Expecting a warm hero's welcome, she instead discovers that her country has turned its back on her. Not for political reasons, but simply because she's a fattie.
A b&w flashback sequence, dated July 4, 1983, opens the narrative. A young, thin, and pretty "Roxy" sits at a poolside table with her father, who insists that, per family tradition, she serve her country in the military rather than go to college. "Democracy," Roxy's father grandly declares, "is being as big a whore as you want to be." As if assimilating the very notion of her cream-filled future, Roxy snarfs a pair of Twinkies sitting on the table.
"How does it feel to be a hero?" some douche wearing a "Booty King" T-shirt asks the now unpleasantly plump, sour-faced (and wheelchair-bound) Roxy upon her return from the gulf. "Not as good as eating one!" she cracks. Later, lying in bed and falling unalluringly out her nightie, Roxy apparently has a nightmare about her capture in Iraq. The subtitled "XNN" footage we see shows two camouflaged men spouting "Arabic" gibberish while Roxy, naked, cowers in the corner of the room, which is decorated with pictures of Saddam Hussein obviously ripped out of magazines. Impressive, as Iraqi bunkers go.
"Where is the other chunky infidel?" the subtitles read as the boys bark. "Tell us, whore! My camel is double-parked!" Roxy obdurately shakes her head, but gives some willingly enough, and then takes more humps than you'll find in a herd of camel while the men force her to lick Saddam's portrait. Two more uniformed dudes harass Roxy in the next scene, ostensibly over a missing croissant. "I don't know, you'll never get it out of me!" she spits. "In the name of Allah," one of the soldiers promises, "I'll choke you with my cock till you puke it out!" Even with the invocation, he has no luck with the face fuck and is forced to try her rear entrance instead. Having avoided giving up the croissant, Roxy then slips and falls on a banana peel when she tries to escape.
When she wakes up, her father, the man ultimately responsible for her military career, shows his daughter no sympathy. Comparing her unfavorably to Jessica Lynch, he says, "Just because you're as big as a float, doesn't insure you a parade."
Grannies, Fatties, Pregnant Bitches & a Midget to Boot (Pure Filth) compiles four hours of fucking disgusting (or is it disgusting fucking?) footage with a lazy eye toward fringe fetishes (not for chunkies, either: the big women here are truly obese). I'm tempted to call the movie a parade of freaks, but let's face it: Viagra-popping baby boomers are about to crash Social Security by retiring, even Kraft thinks people are getting too fat, and there's a sucker born every minute (and a little person every few minutes, probably). This may be the most realistic porno ever!
Its star? An uncredited coot older than the hills, and dirtier, too. (Hills have lots of dirt.) Call her Ms. Esnathe young buck who approaches her in the woods does. With a black lacey dress, maroon velvet hat, strings of fake pearls, grannie glasses, and more sag than a hammock full of bowling balls, Ms. Esna exudes mustiness. (And, like Roxy, she's got one foot in a castthe other one's in the grave!) How old is she? If she were a Golden Girl, she'd be the one always telling stories about Sicily. She's so old, in fact, that her back probably goes out more often she does!
Regardless, Buck turns her out. He admits to having fantasized about her as a kid, and she responds in kind, pulling up her dress. "Put your hot tongue in it!" she croaks. She then sucks his nipple and, eventually, his dick (imagine your grandma slobbing over corn-on-the-cob on Fourth of July). Buck, turning her over, exclaims, "Your pussy's so tight! You haven't gotten laid in a long time, have you?" (For other studs' sakes, I hope not.)
Tight like a sidewalk crack, a cynic might say. Fucking moms, on the other hand, is like putting it in a glass of water. (Again, according to the cynics.) But what about mothers-to-be? I don't know, but at least you don't have to worry about getting them pregnant! Grannies, Fatties, Pregnant Bitches & a Midget to Boot features an ugly 34-year-old who appears to be seven or so months along; she seems truly unhappy taking two gentle guys. Nineteen-year-old Shane Taylor, on the other hand, makes three enthusiastic appearances: she milks a shot out of her C-cups (up from A/B) and gives a blowjob at about nine months (then repeats the process shortly after giving birth). Her glass, I imagine, is half-full.
Pure Filth, 9145 Owensmouth Avenue, Chatsworth, CA 91311, www.dvdlegend.com Skintight, 9145 Owensmouth Avenue, Chatsworth, CA 91311, www.legenddirect.com