By Steve Weinstein
By Devon Maloney
By Tessa Stuart
By Alison Flowers
By Albert Samaha
By Jesse Jarnow
By Eric Tsetsi
By Raillan Brooks
ARIES (March 21-April 19): If you're single, this is the most favorable time in many moons to try creating a harem for yourself. You're even more attractive than usual, and the cosmos has decreed that what might have been greedy in the past is just right now. If you're in an interesting monogamous relationship, on the other hand, don't mess it up with fantasies of polyamory. Instead, brainstorm with your partner about how you could provide more variety for each other. Dress up in different roles, for instance. Speak with funny accents, invent new names, or pretend you're living in another historical period. How would you do your love dance if you were members of the French Resistance in World War II or escaped American slaves headed for freedom circa 1863?
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): If you're typical, your memory is not very efficient; by tomorrow at this time you will have forgotten much of what you learned today. But you cannot afford to be typical during the next 10 days, Taurus. It's crucial to the ultimate success of your long-term dreams that you remember far more than you usually do. I don't care how you do it: Intensify your perceptiveness, try memory-strengthening exercises, take massive doses of ginkgo biloba, or all of the above. Become as aggressively receptive and absorptive as you have ever dared to be.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Can you be a dissatisfied rebel and exuberant lover of life at the same time? Can you identify all the things that are wrong without losing your bemused tolerance? I think you can, especially this week. You won't have any role models to draw from, though, so you'll have to trust your intuition and the following advice: Be a happy bitch! A playful protester! A sweet-tempered complainer! The goodies will come to you if you overthrow the status quo with inventiveness and compassion.
The Televisionary Oracle
A Novel by Rob Brezsny
A lusty but sensitive rock star encounters the leader of a goddess - worshiping religious order that values pranks as much as prayers.
Check out Rob's band World Entertainment War.
Want to know more about Rob, or look up past horoscopes? Visit freewillastrology.com.
You can contact Rob at firstname.lastname@example.org.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): I'm sure you've had the experience of a song popping into your head and refusing to leave, as if it had taken one of your brain circuits hostage. Usually it's a catchy tune you've heard recently on the radio, but now and then it's an old song you haven't thought of in a long time. The former is a nuisance, but the latter may be an oracular message from your unconscious minda helpful hint, like a vivid dream, that can clue you in to a not-yet-fully-bloomed truth. I predict you will be the lucky recipient of such an oracle at least twice in the coming week.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Just assume you're a prime example of F. Scott Fitzgerald's belief that "If you're strong enough, there are no precedents." You have permission from the cosmos to make that assumption. You'll also be perfectly justified, Leo, in expecting the fire in your belly to grow bigger and hotter. Given the exceptional amounts of willpower you'll be able to channel in the coming days, it may even make sense for you to wear a ring with a symbolic thunderbolt and refer to yourself with the royal "we."
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Pablo Picasso had a difficult birth. When he finally popped out after a long labor, he wasn't breathing. The midwife decided his face was so blue he'd be impossible to revive. She declared him dead and left. But Picasso's uncle, who was in attendance, got up close to the infant and puffed cigar smoke up his nose. That was the shock that brought him to life. I expect that a metaphorically analogous wake-up call will resurrect you from your soul numbness in the coming week, Virgo.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Give yourself a treat you've been denying yourself far too long. Get a friend to give you a ride in a wheelbarrow. Use one of your so-called flaws strategically. Have a staring contest with a snake. Take shopping lessons from an expert. Using a felt-tip pen, inscribe a sacred poem or symbol on a new pair of underpants, thereby transforming it into your special magic underwear that will make intriguing things happen whenever you wear them. Whisper a taboo secret while moving very fast, preferably on a roller coaster. Say a rowdy prayer each time you lick a Tootsie Roll Pop, and don't stop until you reach the center. Round up someonepay him or her if necessaryto be your yes-man or yes-woman for 24 hours.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): After studying the cosmic omens, I realized I'd be unable to glean your oracle until I was standing on holy ground. I left immediately for Spirit Rock Meditation Center, a Buddhist sanctuary near my home. There I sought out the outdoor prayer wheel, a brightly painted wooden cylinder inscribed with noble phrases like "wise speech" and "wise intention." Buddhists believe that when this ritual device is spun on its axis, spiritual blessings are cast in all directions. As I reached for one of the handles to give it a whirl, I spied an awesome sight: Four salamanders had arrayed themselves on the section of the wheel that read "wise livelihood." I knew I'd found my message for you, Scorpio. This week, do everything possible to get closer to making your money by serving your highest ideals.