By Jena Ardell
By Jon Campbell
By Alan Scherstuhl
By Tessa Stuart
By Roy Edroso
By Jon Campbell
By Albert Samaha
By Zachary D. Roberts
ARIES (March 21-April 19): Warning! The following statements may pop into your head with annoying frequency in the coming week: "Nobody sees me for who I really am." "Life is a bitch." "Sooner or later, everyone will find out how I've been faking it all these years." "I'll never have enough money." "I'm afraid to change even when I know the change will be good." Now listen closely, Aries: All those ideas are dirty lies. I don't believe in the devil, but if I did I'd say it was he who planted them in your mind. How can you fight back? Wage a ferocious campaign of positive self-talk. Barrage yourself with uplifting affirmations like these: "I face my fears with joyous courage." "I turn apparent setbacks into juicy opportunities." "I answer every criticism with a vow to be my best." "I am an amazingly gorgeous genius with unimaginable tricks up my sleeve."
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): I'm not necessarily suggesting you need a new soul mate. But if you do, this is the perfect astrological moment to go in search of one. Where should you look? I suggest you hang out in unfamiliar territory where you will be fresh and curiousfrontier zones where you're likely to uncover secrets about who you really are. For fastest results, visit the Costco Soulmate Trading Outlet (thespoon .com/costco/), a clearinghouse for soul mates at the Burning Man festival in the Nevada desert from August 25 through 31. It offers "quality name-brand and private-label soul mates at substantially lower prices than can be found through conventional wholesale sources." PS: If you're happy with your existing soul mate, infuse your bond with a concentrated dose of smart, loving creativity, and propel yourselves into the next phase of your evolution together.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Robust singing skill is correlated with a strong immune system in songbirds. Male birds with the most extensive repertoire of tunes also have the largest spleens, a key measure of immune-system health. No studies have yet been done on humans. But if there is a similar link, I expect you will be crooning with unrivaled beauty and power in the coming days. The astrological omens say you are currently at the peak of your ability to fight off bugs and adversaries of all kinds, including both the physical and psychic varieties.
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CANCER (June 21-July 22): So begins the information-gathering phase of your yearly cycle, Cancerian. You'll align yourself with the cosmic ebb and flow whenever you engage in activities that excite your love of learning and enhance your skills as a student of life. Here's a gem from poet Heather McHugh to inspire your quest: "The knowledge I'm interested in is not something you buy and then have and can be comfortable with. The knowledge I'm interested in keeps opening wider and wider, making me smaller and more amazed, until I see I cannot have it alland then delight in that as a freedom."
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Please muse a minute on the title of a book by Susan Harrow: Selling Yourself Without Selling Your Soul: A Woman's Guide to Promoting Herself, Her Business, Her Product, or Her Cause With Integrity and Spirit. I suggest you either consult this invigorating set of instructions, which works for men, too, or create your own version of it. The astrological omens reveal you're primed to receive fresh intuitions about how to make money from doing what you love. (PS: I don't know Harrow personally and have no financial stake in her book.)
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Question: What form of entertainment would be most likely to cure your brain cramps? Answer: watching the demolition of an old building. What lucky break could ensure you won't keep missing the forest for the trees? Finding a bird's nest. What soul medicine would be most effective in giving you access to your repressed intuition? Reading mythic tales of resurrection. What is the hardest yet most rewarding lesson you could learn right now? How to whistle with two fingers. Where can you find a portal to another dimension? In your bedroom.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): "You have to recognize the demons, or else they'll annoy you like mosquitoes," poet James Broughton told interviewer Jack Foley. "But if you acknowledge their existence, if you say, 'All right, here's a cookie, go sit in the corner,' then you can go about your work and you don't have to go into depression because of it." I suggest you follow Broughton's advice, Libra. Neither ignore nor over-indulge those pesky voices in your head.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): The Big Texas Steak Ranch restaurant in Amarillo, Texas, has a standing offer to its customers: If you can eat its four-and-a-half-pound steak in an hour without getting sick, the meal is free. Oh, and you've also got to finish the side dishessalad, shrimp cocktail, baked potato, and roll. Only about one in six brave souls succeeds at the test. Given your tribe's current astrological omens, however, I think five out of six Scorpios could win the bet this week. Your appetitenot just for food, but for pleasure, wisdom, adventure, and self-transformationis gargantuan.