Intro to Human Sexuality

A Guide to College Romantic Life, Including the Mix Tape, Missionary Position, and Monogamy

I've devoted a lot of space to the mix tape because its ambiguities can be carefully staged. Defining the ground rules for random hookups and those clingy, first-time-away-from-home relationships, however, calls for more wisdom than I've gleaned from watching pornos and meeting Barnard chicks. So here's what I've picked up from doing those things. If you serial and aspiring monogamists follow one piece of my advice, let it be this: Do not under any circumstances enter into a relationship during your first semester. And if you fuck, do so discreetly. By exams, everyone will want to jump your bones, and that special someone will have fully reverted to his or her insane high school self without dragging you down with them.

Now about getting laid. Another simple rule: Always make him wear a jimmy hat. (Unless neither of you have one, in which case go bareback for a few strokes before calling it off—that never hurt anybody, right? Only a few people who caught STDs!) Guys, you can no longer get by on your reputation as a football player or the dude with the nicest SUV. Instead of sacking Springfield High's QB, you must now last awhile in the sack—15 minutes at least. I recommend getting really drunk beforehand, unless you haven't yet mastered the art of holding your liquor, in which case you must visualize dead kittens while humping. (I also spell the names of my friends.) Obsess over performance enough, and you'll soon find it difficult to cum with girls you want to impress—touchdown! (And remember, your enhanced reputation will also benefit your cock-blocking technique.)

illustration: Jeremy Olson

As for you ladies, let him into the end zone and he'll crown you homecoming queen. As 15 minutes of fame go, it could be worse.

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