By Keegan Hamilton
By Albert Samaha
By Village Voice staff
By Tessa Stuart
By Albert Samaha
By Steve Weinstein
By Devon Maloney
By Tessa Stuart
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): For almost 60 years, Simon Wiesenthal tracked down Nazis responsible for the Holocaust. His most famous catch was Adolf Eichmann, but he also brought more than a thousand other war criminals to justice. He recently retired. "My work is done," the tireless 94-year-old crusader said. "I found the mass murderers I was looking for. I survived all of them." I hereby appoint Wiesenthal to be your role model, Sagittarius. The astrological omens suggest that the coming months will be a perfect time for you to home in on a passionate, righteous commitment that will fuel you for years.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): The ozone hole is shrinking and will recover. Current human life expectancy, already at age 84, is steadily increasing. Since 1993, the violent crime rate in the U.S. has decreased by 50 percent. The number of America's black elected officials has sextupled since 1970. The planet is steadily becoming more free: 89 democratic countries control 89 percent of the world's GDP (gross domestic product). Birthrates for teenagers are at the lowest levels in over 60 years. Charitable giving by individuals increased 180 percent between 1960 and 2000. Worldwide, the percentage of children enrolled in secondary education has more than doubled since 1970. In other words, Capricorn, life on earth is much better than everyone assumes. Inspired by my shocking evidence, compose a similar list of everything that's going really well for you.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): In the coming week, Aquarius, you're in danger of seeing with your imagination rather than with your eyes; you'll be tempted to trust the power of your beliefs more than the evidence of your five senses. It is possible to avert that fate, however. To assist you, I'm happy to provide this curmudgeonly prod from journalist H.L. Mencken: "An idealist is one who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup."
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PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20):You have done without it long enough, Pisces. This state of deprivation can't go on. Up till now there's been a certain value in your not having the stuff you've been aching for, but as of now its continued absence could begin to have a soul-shriveling effect. Therefore, on behalf of cosmic forces, I hereby authorize you to take all necessary steps, as long as they're ethical, to get the goodies. You may even resort to the desperate pleading that kids use on their parents to get a beloved treat at the grocery store, including "I promise to be good," "I'll never ask for anything again," and "I need it!!!!"