By Keegan Hamilton
By Albert Samaha
By Village Voice staff
By Tessa Stuart
By Albert Samaha
By Steve Weinstein
By Devon Maloney
By Tessa Stuart
ARIES (March 21-April 19): Today and every day, 5 million lightning bolts will flash between earth and sky somewhere on our planet. At any given moment, 2,000 thunderstorms are raging. While you may not be in the literal presence of one of these elemental outbreaks in the coming week, Aries, I believe you will channel a similar kind of energy: You'll be fiercely and tenderly alive with the blended force of primal fire and water. This doesn't necessarily mean you'll careen out of control; you may be able to express the booming power in its most constructive form, cleansing and clarifying everything you touch.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): My investigation of recent Taurean behavior reveals that you have committed two spankable offenses. I will not, however, authorize any enforcers to turn you over their knees and apply their palms forcefully to your buttocksnot yet, anyway. First I want to give you a chance to atone, by filling in the gaps in your understanding and ripening the attitudes that led to your deviation from the righteous path. Or would you prefer to avoid the hard work of making amends and just accept a spanking?
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): I should caution you that this horoscope may be banned in certain parts of Louisiana, South Dakota, and Arkansas, as well as a number of other areas around the world in which silky uproarious techniques of sacred yum-yum are considered dangerous to the status quo. The fact is, Gemini, you have the potential to be a genius of love in the coming weeks. You are poised to discover higher forms of pleasure that would make plain old ordinary hedonism irrelevant. A previously unimaginable level of erotic mastery is within your reach. Now memorize this coded message: freesurgingfearlesswideawakerapturewrestler.
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CANCER (June 21-July 22): Help wanted: Practical dreamers with high emotional intelligence needed to become experts in the following subjects: the art of possessing abundant resources without feeling greed or a sense of superiority; the science of cultivating luxurious comfort in a way that does not lead to spiritual sloth; and a knack for enjoying peace and serenity without diluting ambition. Applicants should be members of the Cancerian tribe. Send evidence of your skills to Poised Plenitude, c/o firstname.lastname@example.org.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Your natural scent is strong and good these days. Your body is more flexible than usual and your willpower is extraordinarily supple. Even when you're tired, your voice is a healing melody; when you're well-rested, the words you express can disperse tensions that have lingered for a long time. Your ability to protect and inspire others reminds me of a mother dispensing snappy wisdom to her children. And your courage is teeming with innocent savvy. I swear you could hypnotize an agitated rattlesnake or gently crack open a closed mind.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Do you have affluenza? The PBS TV show Affluenza (pbs.org/kcts/affluenza) defined it as follows: the sluggish, unfulfilled feeling that results from struggling to keep up with the Joneses; the stress, overwork, waste, and indebtedness caused by an addiction to consumer goods. Signs that you suffer from this malady include the following: (1) You'll pay more for a T-shirt if it has a cool corporate logo on it. (2) You're willing to work 40 years at a job you hate so you can accumulate lots of stuff. (3) You believe that if you buy the cocktail dress, the cocktail party will come. If you have even a mild version of affluenza, Virgo, I recommend that you seek a cure. The astrological time is ripe to learn about having fun and living successfully without spending lots of money.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): On my 20th birthday, I found a big bag on the ground while walking across a vacant lot in Durham, North Carolina. Odd symbols adorned the outside. Inside were taxidermically preserved specimens of a hummingbird, snake, bat, lizard, frog, and praying mantis. I brought the find home and sought the counsel of my roommate, who was knowledgeable about strange phenomena. He speculated that the animals were raw materials for a magic spell, and said the symbols were ancient alchemical formulas. Maybe it was coincidence, but the next month was a miracle. I met two new lifelong friends, discovered the person who became my greatest teacher, and got a glimpse of my life's purpose for the first time. I predict that if you're alert as you wander through the world, Libra, you will come upon a comparable good luck treasure this week.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): By a margin of 4 to 1, my Scorpio readers have voted to impose on me a six-week ban on all references to maddening ambiguity. You have informed me that you're weary of grappling with enigmas wrapped inside conundrums. You want earthy instructions and simple truths. Maybe I'll start obeying your orders next week, but I'd be remiss if I didn't let you know that you're about to be offered odd gifts from people in transition, benevolent interventions that require major course corrections, and mysterious help from the Great Beyond.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21):To the naked eye of the casual observer, there won't seem to be enough love or money or other good stuff to go around this week. But if I'm reading the astrological omens correctly, you will be able to magically stretch and expand the resources to fulfill not only your own needs but those of a small multitude. Just assume, then, that you'll have the same mojo that Jesus allegedly had when he fed 5,000 people with five loaves of bread and two fishes.