By Alex Distefano
By Scott Snowden
By Anna Merlan
By Steve Almond
By Jena Ardell
By Jon Campbell
By Alan Scherstuhl
By Tessa Stuart
ARIES (March 21-April 19): I confess to falling prey to a sin that has become widespread: overusing the term sacred. To my credit, I haven't sunk to the vulgar depths of New Age hucksters who offer workshops in "sacred e-mail marketing" or "sacred dog-walking." But still, I want to be more spare in invoking the term so that on those rare occasions when I do, you will be appropriately awed. Like now, for instance. I predict you will soon be roused to reverence by a visitation that fits the description given by Phil Cousineau in his book The Art of Pilgrimage: "If you aren't trembling as you approach the sacred, it isn't the real thing. The sacred, in its various guises as holy ground, art, or knowledge, evokes emotion and commotion."
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Taurus William Henry Seward was U.S. secretary of state in the 1860s. Though his career included many notable achievements, he's best known for buying Alaska from Russia. His contemporaries thought this a batty ideaAlaska was regarded as a frozen wastelandand referred to it as "Seward's Folly." Ultimately, his determination to follow his dream in the face of ridicule proved to be an act of brave genius. For 2.5 cents an acre, he added a rich land that now composes one-fifth of the entire United States. I predict that you'll soon have a chance to pull off your own version of Seward's Folly.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Trial and error should be your main strategy these days. It's your best hope for generating reliable information. As you grope and stumble, keep in mind the following thoughts from philosopher Robert Anton Wilson. "These are the batting averages of the best hitters in baseball history: Ty Cobb: .366; Rogers Hornsby: .358; Joe Jackson: .356. Since an average of .333 means a player did not get a hit two out of every three times he batted, these champions made an out more often than they got a hit. Most professional players do much worse. Moral of the story: Unless you're a brain champion equal to these baseball champions, you're probably wrong close to two out of three times."
The Televisionary Oracle
A Novel by Rob Brezsny
A lusty but sensitive rock star encounters the leader of a goddess - worshiping religious order that values pranks as much as prayers.
Check out Rob's band World Entertainment War.
Want to know more about Rob, or look up past horoscopes? Visit freewillastrology.com.
You can contact Rob at firstname.lastname@example.org.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): Even if you're in love and happy with your partner, this is a perfect moment to ask for even more from your relationship. And if there is room for improvement in the way your love life is unfolding, it's an even more perfect moment. To launch the intimacy revolution, try this. After taking a bath and while still naked, write down the worst things that have happened to you because of being in love. Burn this document in the flame of a white candle while chanting the words "I am letting go of past disasters." Then dab cinnamon on your forehead, chest, and genitals while murmuring this: "I deserve to be in love with a lover who brings out the best in mea lover who inspires me to be in love with everything alive."
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): We're all pretty ignorant about how our bodies work. Do you even know where your pancreas and spleen are, let alone what they do? Can you describe what happens to the air you inhale once it enters your lungs? Have you ever taken the trouble to study and experiment in order to discern what diet is best for your unique physiology? Do you know how much sleep you need to be highly alert and psychologically healthy? This is a favorable astrological time to deepen your understanding of your body's mysteries.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): I've been staring at my astrological charts for hours trying to determine where your head is at. The best I can figure out is that you're off the map, between the worlds, beyond the boundaries. Sorry I'm not able to be more specific. I guess you're pretty much on your own for now. I can at least tell you about the powers that this kind of outsider position usually confers: (1) sharper-than-usual intuition about the future; (2) a knack for making unexpected connections you didn't realize you needed; and (3) an unpredictability that makes you attractive to people who can help draw out and clarify your unconscious desires.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): "Dear Rob: Your horoscopes tickle me in just the right place: wherever the opposite of my funny bone is. It's like you're following me around, but not like a creepy stalkermore like a kindly and slightly frazzled guardian angel, giving me the odd nudge to avoid doing something stupid, suggesting when I should duck, and rousing the part of me that's ready to give up. Thank you. Appreciative Libra." Dear Appreciative: Somehow you knew that it's a perfect time to express your gratitude to those who have helped and inspired you. Saying thanks right now will be a kind of prayer that works better than begging for what you lack. It will have the mysterious effect of attracting to you even more goodies.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): You're on the verge of tapping into a huge reservoir of fresh, starting-over energy. To aid you in capitalizing on this gift, I offer you Ellen Kort's poem, "Advice to Beginners." Begin. Keep on beginning. Nibble on everything. Pull up anchors. Sit close to the god of night. Lie still in a stream and breathe water. Climb to the top of the highest tree until you come to the branch where the blue heron sleeps. Eat poems for breakfast. Lick the mountain's bare shoulder. Measure the color of days around your mother's death. Put your hands over your face and listen to what they tell you. Swim with the sea turtle into the moon. Drink wild geranium tea. Run naked in the rain.