By Jared Chausow
By Katie Toth
By Elizabeth Flock
By Albert Samaha
By Anna Merlan
By Jon Campbell
By Jon Campbell
By Albert Samaha
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): If I were writing this horoscope for Gun Lovers' Casino Porn Today magazine, I might advise my Taurus readers to keep their vices firmly in check, as this is a time when antisocial vices are likely to cause even more havoc than usual. However, since you are reading my words in a respectable publication and are undoubtedly a refined and ethical person, I feel comfortable advising you to tap into the instinctual part of your nature that is usually off-limits. Halloween costume suggestion: the animal whose spirit would best awaken your dormant wildness.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): "You may have been born to be a worrywart," says Edward Hallowell in his book Worry: Controlling It and Using It Wisely. "Some people have a nervous system that is like an alarm system that goes off too easily." In my experience, only about 8 percent of the Gemini tribe fits this description in normal times. But between late October and mid November every year, the number zooms. Many of you suddenly act as if you're hardwired to generate anxiety. You seem to enjoy scaring yourself silly. Why? What's going on? It's true that this is a favorable time to confront your doubts and fears. But the point is to conquer them, not let them consume and demoralize you. My advice, then, is to unleash your inner warrior immediately. Halloween costume suggestions: your favorite superhero or crusader for justice.
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CANCER (June 21-July 22): New species of delight are headed your way, lucky one. Outbursts of exotic bliss await you. There's only one obstacle that could interfere with your enjoyment: your attachment to old familiar ways of stirring up the good times. Be willing to put them aside, at least temporarily, so that you can be fully available for sources of future happiness. Keep William Blake's poem in mind: "He who bends to himself a joy/Does the winged life destroy;/But he who kisses the joy as it flies/Lives in eternity's sunrise." Halloween costume suggestion: your favorite bird.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): In my meditations on your immediate future, I have sometimes seen poignant images: a wet firecracker, for instance, and a flickering flame on a thin candle propped up in a paper boat floating down a creek. But there have been other times when the image that came to mind was a lover crying cathartic tears while in the midst of a powerful orgasm. Which of these two perspectives is likely to predominate for you this week? It may depend on your ability to create a potent blend of the magic of fire and the magic of water. Halloween costume suggestions: a mermaid carrying a torch, or Neptune, god of the sea, holding a thunderbolt.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): The current state of your fate could drive you half-crazy if you're not patient. The gods seem to be teasing you with tantalizing promises that they later rescind. You've practically been forced to master the art of living on the edge and in between. I'm reminded of a passage from a poem by Octavio Paz: "All is visible and elusive,/all is near and can't be touched." My advice, Virgo: Visualize your predicament as an intriguing enigma, not a maddening ambiguity. See if you can approximate the condition the poet William Wordsworth described: "fleeting moods of shadowy exultation." Halloween costume suggestions: a puzzle, a majestic cloud, a second mask worn over the first mask.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): "Dear Rob: I've spent my life trying to adjust to the fact that I never finished being born. Literally. It's as if I didn't actually agree to leave the womb; never surrendered to being cast out of heaven and exiled into this heavy, difficult place called earth. As a result, I feel I'm not completely here; I'm always holding back a little. But I'm tired of this tentativeness. I want to arrive fully and embrace my destiny. Can you help? Unborn Libra." Dear Unborn: Interesting you should bring this up. It's a favorable time for you Libras to come all the way down to earth. I suggest that you do a meditation in which you visualize yourself being born while filled with a sense of glee, triumph, and freedom. Halloween costume suggestion: a very happy baby.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): If you enjoy tormenting yourself with fantasies of bad things that might happen in the future, surf over to the Dante's Inferno Test website (4degreez.com/misc/dante-inferno-test .mv). There you can get a prediction about what level of hell you'll be exiled to after you die. If, on the other hand, you're finally ready to shed your perverse attraction to doom and gloomand my astrological analysis says you arethen zealously avoid entertaining yourself with fear and anxiety. Instead, use all your ingenuity to track down fascinating encounters with boom and zoom. Halloween costume suggestions: a pirate wearing smiley-face buttons or a gangsta rapper with a fuzzy Sesame Street puppet.