Best Porn Directors!

Billy Wilder, distinguished director of classic cross-dressing comedy Some Like It Hot, once said: "A director must be a policeman, a midwife, a psychoanalyst, a sycophant, and a bastard." I say a porn director must be a please-ma'am, a gynecologist, a psychodramatist, a sicko-fucker, and a bastard. Besides possessing the most porno name for a real director ever (Peter Bogdanovich duly noted), Billy had a knack for inserting sexual innuendo into his strips . . . scripts. (Or so critic Anthony Lane claims.) As for porn directors, talk about in-you-and—oh, never mind.

This week's topic, movies by the "Best Porn Directors" I came across while searching for DVDs starring Loni, was inspired by Kim's, the vid-joint mini-chain where they organize movies by auteur. When I'm not buffing my knob, I'm a real film buff—check out Groundhog Day if you haven't already!—so taking a column-cue from Kim's was inevitable. Porn Valley values amateurs and autistics, not auteurs, but it isn't hard to find acclaimed hardcore heads and pretentious fucks. Heck, I came across three flicks by those types in my desk drawer!

First, the pretentious fucks. Award winner Thomas Zupko, responsible for a pop-media allegory I reviewed but forget the name of, now presents Opera (Elegant Angel). This feature boasts "real-life" opera singer Allen Rene, outdoor shots, costumes (including a scary devil), those between-scenes spinning newspapers that keep us abreast of major events, and a smattering of actors who don't fuck but do speak Italian (close enough). It is an epic story of lust, betrayal, etc.: In the opening moments, we see an opera star named Puccini wandering the streets of L.A. in tattered clothes. He lays down behind a dumpster—no, not a "cum dumpster," one for garbage—and is plunged deep into erotic fantasy . . .

Meaning, he sees a redhead take it in the ass. The typically Zupkosian hardcore scenes, dressed up as bacchanalias (columns, togas) and padded with an extra, unattractive couple, are annoyingly intercut with Allen Rene lipsyncing, rats crawling on our heroin-shooting hero, and Italian monologues expounding on his downfall and the search for "joy without pain" (there are subtitles).

But the sex itself! Avy Scott, one of my very favorite treasure-chested, junk-in-the-trunk cum dumpsters, gives an inspired, phlegmy performance blowing and getting blown out by a guy who looks like a Neanderthal but is nevertheless very charming. Linked by an apparently deep and abiding interest in sloppy deep-throat, the two exhibit more chemistry than George Clooney's ever found outside of the high school science lab. (Zing!) Nothing, however, could whet my appetite for what Apeman does with olive oil, a banana, and a cucumber: He pours the oil on her full and nicely-nipped tits and puts the produce in her ass! And then never even tosses her salad! (Then again, without balsamic vinegar, why bother?)

The exalted Ashley Blue, sporting adorable curls, puts in a typically tasty turn with her aggressive, handsome boyfriend. In her Girlvert roles, Ashley renders sassy dialogue with an assured delight that, in its knowing conflation of the innocent and profane, borders on the sublime. Her doofy b.f. even makes a perfect comic foil. This being an artsy-fartsy flick, all we hear out of Ashley is a cascading series of whimpers as her man slaps her face and fucks her ass. Of course, most of the time she has a dick in her mouth.

Opera will not elevate Zupko's legacy, only reinforce it. The man's talent, if we can call it that, is making women seem even more like objects than they do in the rest of porn. Like a pincushion, say—someplace to put your prick. And no amount of jarring, "creative" cuts and Euro cred can obscure the movie's fatal cliché: that trusting a lustful woman (Puccini's cheating wife) will bring a man down. In the end, she even has sex with the devil. I eagerly await the sequel, Rosemary's Barely Legal Baby.

With Shades of Red (Nectar), first-time director Marty Zion hopes to nail every "erotic" porn cliché. The constant, self-reflexive reminders that you are in fact witnessing an artistic representation of the primal essence of sexuality crop up right away. A model, surrounded by mannequins, poses for a man with a drawing pad; there's no dialogue or sound except wanky muzak. The lady, a not unattractive blond wearing pink lipstick, approaches the man; they slowly, melodramatically feel one another up; as she brings his dick to her mouth, a wailing guitar solo suddenly kicks in.

If this is couples porn, I'd rather be single (or at least, y'know, be allowed to mess around). Scene two, set in the same room, starts off just as bad. But instead of an interpretive b.j. solo, we get overtly male metal riffing during cunnilingus; doggy style on a rotating, red-satin-covered platform; long, red hair whipped by off-screen fans. But even staged sex cannot be constrained by cliché: On three separate occasions, our redhead squirts more impressively than anyone I've ever witnessed, long elegant arcs leaving her quivering and exhausted. Of course, the classic douche she's with immediately grabs her slick, splayed legs with his meaty hands and tries to start mindlessly again.

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16 comments
softspots
softspots

C.P. Author of 'Life's A Bitch!' the sexiest book ever written. This book would make a fantastic erotic film that could act as the crossover between porn and mainstream. I will display a couple of the reviews as this site doesn't allow me more.Life’s A Bitch! ---- Reviews

Life’s A Bitch! ---- Reviews

Mar 06, 2013Jackie Groves rated it 5 of 5 stars

This book was gripping from start to finish, readers of erotic books wont be disappointed, the bitch in the novel Jenny makes JR Ewing look like an amateur. Great explicit sexual details are included with a compelling story line, plenty of twists and turns along with deviations from the norm. Could hardly wait to read more each day. Well written and easy to read, well done C P. Hope there will be a follow up, if so it will be top of my list. A five star read without a doubt.

Jun 27, 2013Mary rated it 5 of 5 stars

What a ride! This book was very well written and was a GREAT story to my taste. I finished this book in one day, it was hard for me to keep the book down. When you think you have the pieces all sorted out and you are sure that what you think is going to happen is right, you are definitively WRONG. I could not believe how Jenny would even fathom the idea of living & sharing Roger with Ali! But that was only the beginning of how twisted & psychotic she truly was. This book completely surprised me, I never thought Roger & Ali would see each other but alas they did. I hope the bitch Jenny returns because I surely would not want to miss it.


4.0 out of 5 stars Eroticism................. and good writing 25 April 2013

ByDee

Format:Kindle Edition|Amazon Verified Purchase

Only part way through the book but already there are more orgasms than dead bodies in Midsomer Murders!
Am intrigued by the writers style, comfortable with erotica, descriptive and intrigue. Can't wait for the conclusion.

GREAT BOOK :)

Sep 19, 2013Diane rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: finished

So far....Oh my GOD!!!

I had to finish this book. Sex, SEX, adventure, mystery.
ENJOY!!!!!!

5.0 out of 5 starsCompelling and sexy2 Oct 2013

Byemma

Format:Kindle Edition

I absolutely loved this book. From the beginning I was unsure of what was going on as it tells you about how perfect Roger and Jenny's life is and suddenly it all goes to pot with no explanation but then the book just takes off and I sat there just wondering how Jenny became so cold and calculating. At one point I put the book down in disgust at what Jenny was doing and minutes later couldn't stop myself from picking it back up to read more. The characters are brilliantly written and everything so well described that you imagine the scene clearly. The author ended this book perfectly and I can't wait to read about what happens next. This is just an amazing read and I would thoroughly recommend it.

As you can see, a pretty sexy book, and one that could take the right director into mainstream.


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