By Albert Samaha
By Steve Weinstein
By Devon Maloney
By Tessa Stuart
By Alison Flowers
By Albert Samaha
By Jesse Jarnow
By Eric Tsetsi
ARIES (March 21-April 19):British performance artist Mark McGowan was offended by the widespread international mockery of his country's cuisine. In protest, he decided to express his pride by turning himself into an English breakfast. A store near London let him live in the front window for 12 days, during which time he sat in a vat of baked beans with a crown of sausages on his head and a deep-fried potato wedge lodged in each nostril. In the coming week, Aries, the astrological omens suggest you should be as bold and imaginative as McGowan in support of your own pet cause.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20):If typical, you will make love about 2,500 times in your lifetime. But maybe only 25 of those encounters will offer this week's blend of physical rapture and spiritual breakthrough. I'm not exaggerating, Taurus. The cosmos is inviting you to be the recipient of a mind-expanding peak experience or two. To take maximum advantage, be as innocent and open as you dare. Find the place in you where lust and compassion overlap. (PS: You don't necessarily need a partner to enjoy these gifts. If you're single, shed any shame you have about solo sex and explore its mysteries.)
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Every poll I've seen asserts that far more women than men make use of astrology. It was only a matter of time before macho dudes discovered this and sought to exploit it. One such guy is Gemini Pat Burrell, a baseball player for the Philadelphia Phillies. In an interview in a men's magazine, he marveled at how much success he'd had on first dates by talking about horoscopes. In the coming weeks, his experience will apply to youonly more so. No matter what gender or sexual preference you are, discussing astrology will be a surefire way to advance romance. For that matter, initiating conversations about any subject that gives a mythic flavor to intimate matters will stimulate the flow of sexy vibes. You might want to check out Skymates: Love, Sex and Evolutionary Astrology, by Jodie and Steven Forrest.
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CANCER (June 21-July 22): I'm worried you'll suffer an attack of shyness or modesty this week. Instead of pushing to get exactly what you want, you might dream up lame excuses to explain to yourself why it's OK if you don't get exactly what you want. Or you may be satisfied too easily and retreat to your hiding place before fate has a chance to bestow the fullness of its unexpected blessings on you. Please fight off this trend, Cancerian. Give your inner wimp a dozen roses and send your inner warrior out to collect your just desserts.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Pop quiz! (1) You are so attractive these days that you risk rousing the envy of people whose support you need. True or false? (2) You now have the ability to change the weather merely by wiggling your eyebrows or wrinkling your nose. True or false? (3) Since you are so exceptionally fertilewith an equal power to supercharge the growth of beautiful blooms and nasty weedsyou will have to be very discriminating about where you point your mojo. True or false? (4) You are unusually susceptible to being manipulated through flattery. True or false?
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22):The Chilean Congress has recently considered a bill that would mandate afternoon siestas for all workers. As a nap activist who has lobbied long and hard for everyone to get more dream time, I cheered this revolutionary proposal. Now I'm asking you, Virgo, to join me in the struggle to gain even more sleepers' rights. What specific action can you take? For starters, spend more time asleep and dreaming in the coming week than you ever haveand don't let any workaholic, sleep-deprived cranky-head shame you for it. Your productivity will rise; I guarantee it. (PS: The astrological moment is also ripe for you to rise up against the tyranny of type A overachievers who think everyone should be as addicted to stress as they are.)
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Octopuses have eyes that can focus on two different scenes simultaneously. In some species one eye is specialized to see things in the murky depths while the other eye concentrates on sights in sunlit waters. I suggest you make this creature your power animal in the coming week. To keep apprised of the complex plots that will be unfolding around you in every direction, you will need the equivalent of the octopus's vision.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): For a mere $99.95, I could remove the curse you're suffering from. But I'd feel bad about taking your money when you could get rid of the damn thing yourself. In fact, why don't you do just that, and send yourself a check for $99.95? Step one: Visualize an object that symbolizes the accursed influence. Picture yourself throwing it into a furnace. Step two: Visualize the person you feel is most responsible for the curse. Imagine that one end of a rope is tied around your waist and the other end around the person. Picture yourself cutting through the rope with a chain saw as you call out, "You have no friggin' power over me!" Step three: Repeat steps one and two twice a day for 11 days. Step four: On the 11th day, laugh so long and hard that you fall on the floor and cry tears of joyful release.