By Alex Distefano
By Scott Snowden
By Anna Merlan
By Steve Almond
By Jena Ardell
By Jon Campbell
By Alan Scherstuhl
By Tessa Stuart
Queer Eye for the Straight Guy has taught us that buying things makes you feel better about yourself. Buying things for others should feel twice as nice. This year's guide is about supporting and inspiring people's erotic desires.
If your sweetheart is a music fan, give her muff the gift of melody with Audi-Oh (babeland.com, $80), a wearable vibrator with elastic straps to keep it in place. What makes this toy unique is the accessory that comes with it: A small transmitter (that looks like a pager) allows the vibrating butterfly to pulse to the beat of the music! Dance (and get off) till dawn at a club or pop Missy Elliot's Under Construction (various stores, $14 to 20) into your CD player and rock the night away. Aural fans will also delight in S.I.R. Video's Talk to Me Baby: A Lover's Guide to Dirty Talk and Role Play (various stores and sites, $34.95) and popular how-to guide Exhibitionism for the Shy by Carol Queen (various stores and sites, $12.50).
Know an exhibitionist who's been especially naughty this year? Well, big spenders should fork over the cash for the portable Stripper Pole & Platinum Stage (erosboutique.com, $399). This lightweight steel pole and four-by-four stage which assembles in minutes is the perfect addition to any room in the house; rumor has it that celebs like Pamela Anderson and Angelina Jolie swear by theirs. Add to it video tutorial The Art of Exotic Dancing for Everyday Women (various stores and sites, $39.95) or Bedroom Games: Stripteases, Seductions, and Other Surprises to Keep Your Partner Coming Back for More, a book by Mary Taylor (various stores and sites, $12).
Playfulness is critical both in and out of the bedroom, which is why I love David & Goliath T-shirts, underwear, and pajamas, with phrases like "Boys are Smelly," "It's All About Me," and "Chicks Rule" all over them (sleepyheads.com, $28 to 52). My must-have clothing item this year sums up my personal philosophy on life; it's Sik World's "I have the pussy so I make the rules" T-shirt (sikworld.com, $16), which also comes in a glow-in-the-dark thong (sikworld.com, $8). Speaking of having a pussy, if someone on your list likes to preen hers, check out Jenna's Hot Trimmer (hottrimmer.com, $24.95), a cool battery-operated pubic hair trimmer with two interchangeable heads for different lengths and 10 different reusable "bikini hair designs"lightning bolt, anyone?
Once that twat is groomed, stuff her with one of the most beautiful and pleasurable dildos ever created: the Phallix glass baton (erosboutique.com, $225), a solid, pyrex-quality glass toy (hint: use the handle end to warm her up, then switch to the larger textured end to send her into outer space). If G marks the spot this holiday season, there are many items worth finding: Female Ejaculation and The G-Spot by Deborah Sundahl (various stores and sites, $15.95), a must-have book by a gushing pioneer; the itty-bitty Love Charm, Queen of Hearts (early2bed.com, $18), a vibrating, pulsating, chile pepper-resembling treasure that could double as a key ring; or a dual-action vibrator without those jumping beads, the Nubby Twister (grand-opening.com, $79.95).
For the sake of gender parity, I'm plugging the WWMPD: What would my penis do? shirt (sikworld.com, $16); a tee that rips off those ubiquitous Snapple labels and reads Snatch: The Best Stuff on Earth (incredible-gifts.com, $13.99); and the gender-neutral "Gone Fisting" T-shirt (tshirthell.com, $17). For the masculine beings in your life, I recommend the gift that keeps on, um, rewinding: porn. Try standout titles like Virtual Sex with Jesse Jane, an interactive DVD where you can tell Ms. Jane what to do and how to do it (digitalplayground.com, $49); Strapon Chicks: Bella's Bitches (blowfish.com, $31.95), a description of which seems redundant; Seymore Butts' Assgasms 1 & 2 (teamtushy.com, $39.95); female-directed Stud Hunters (adameve.com, $29.95) for the feminist dudes; and The Adventures of Buck Naked (transexual-man.com, $39.95) for tranny lovers. When in doubt, a one-month membership to one of the most inventive smut sites on the Web (fuckingmachines.com, $29.90), where ordinary appliances and tools like the Sawzall are turned into sex toys.
When it comes to sex tools that are ultra-fashionable yet still functional, I thought nothing could top the Wonder Woman Dildo Harness (aslanleather.com, $78), a vinyl harness that comes in sparkly colors like red, pink, and purple for girls who simply cannot sacrifice style when they strap it on. Well, imagine a harness that looks like a garter belt, and you've got the velvety Sportsheets Corset Harness (various stores, $49 to 60). It's available in purple and black, you can wear it with garters and stockings, and, even more important, it makes your ass look fabulous while you're reaming someone else's. Of course I realize there are plenty of folks who want what holds their dick in place to be more macho than marabou. The geniuses behind the Wonder Woman Harness have just released the Black Cat Harness (aslanleather.com, $80), a serious black vinyl two-strap with interchangeable cock rings and a very sexy fetish look. To fill the holes with phallic wonder, the harness-compatible double dildo Nexus now comes in black and red swirl (vixencreations.com, $82); Buzz 2 Vibrating Dildo (stockroom.com, $48) makes fucking fun for people on both ends of the cock; or try the classic, more-than-a-mouthful seven inches of Commando (vixencreations.com, $62).
If you want to surprise your lover with something daring, try Fiery Nights (babeland.com, $37), a gift pack which comes complete with the Finger Fun Vibe, an inventive cock ring called the Diamond Ring Vibe, and the centerpiecethe Body Wax Candle. Safe to drip onto skin without burning, when this candle melts it transforms into massage oil. If hot wax is merely foreplay to a hotter BDSM scene, check out the luscious leather-sex photography book Kiss of Fireby Barbara Nitke ($40). Or, for the human puppies in your life and the owners/trainers who love them, I recommend Woof! Perspectives into the Erotic Care & Training of the Human Dog by Michael Daniels (leatherdog.com, $14.95). If you want to splurge, the black silicone Puppy Tail Butt Plug (mr-s-leather-fetters.com, $89) is what all the coolest pups will be wearing at the International Puppy & Trainer Contest this year (the Westminster of the kinky world).
Not sure what to get for the sex toy fanatic on your list? Why not go for a stylish way to store all those anal beads and jelly dongs: soft, lint-free Woody Goody bags (early2bed.com, $12), or a flame red Hide Your Vibe Pillow (mypleasure.com, $34.95). You've got to put your booty somewhere when the in-laws come over for the holidays.
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