By Jared Chausow
By Katie Toth
By Elizabeth Flock
By Albert Samaha
By Anna Merlan
By Jon Campbell
By Jon Campbell
By Albert Samaha
TAURUS (April 20-May 20):Three billion years ago, the Earth's original single-cell organisms thrived in a carbon dioxide-rich atmosphere. As a by-product of their metabolism, however, they released an abundant amount of oxygen. It was a pollutant that ultimately made their environment uninhabitable for them, though it prepared the way for the oxygen-breathers that now dominate the planet. Let's meditate on how this might be a useful metaphor for you, Taurus. Is there a "pollutant" produced by the person you were in the past that could be valuable for the person you will become in the future?
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Vanessa Lucero, a 14-year-old New Mexico girl, is your role model this week. In October, she was named homecoming princess at her high school. On the weekend of her reign, she also played in a game for the football team, becoming the first female in school history to score a touchdown. During the span of a few glorious hours, she wore both a helmet and a tiara. Like Vanessa, you Geminis now have the potential to notch triumphs in two separate spheres using different sets of skills.
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CANCER (June 21-July 22):The world's most famous Cancer, U.S. president George W. Bush, has described his relationship with newspapers this way: "I glance at the headlines, just to kind of get a flavor for what's moving. I rarely read the stories, and get briefed by people who read the news themselves." Please don't imitate Bush's approach as you gather information in the coming days, my fellow Crabs. It's crucial that you never rely on third-hand reports as you penetrate to the root of every unfolding plot. You know how journalists sometimes bury really interesting and mysterious details at the end of their stories? That's what life will do.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): After a study found that a majority of heterosexual men dive into sexual intercourse without any warm-up, Britain launched its first annual National Foreplay Day last July. How about if we borrow this holiday for your use, Leo? I'm not saying you've been remiss in your approach to maximizing erotic pleasure, but there's always room for improvement. Besides, from an astrological perspective, this is a favorable time to expand your mastery of the arts of love. In fact, let's borrow another British holiday, National Orgasm Day. I hereby proclaim this Universal Foreplay and Orgasm Week for all Leos.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): This week's horoscope features the poetry of U.S. secretary of defense Donald Rumsfeld. Delivered at a news briefing, it provides a perfect frame for the current state of your fate. "As we know," he said, "there are known knowns. There are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns. That is to say, we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns, the ones we don't know we don't know." You, Virgo, are very close to discovering at least two of your personal unknown unknowns.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): My Libran friend John was constantly harassed and shamed by his father over trivial issues when he was growing up. A typical scenario often occurred in the kitchen as John scanned the refrigerator for an appetizing snack. "You idiot!" his dad would scream at him. "How many millions of times have I told you not to hold the refrigerator door open so long?" John would immediately close the door and leave in silence, feeling humiliated and hungry. When he told me this story today, here's what I advised him to do: Keep his refrigerator door open for as long as it takes to wipe away the pain of his father's inane cruelty. To the rest of you Libras, I say: Rebel in a way that will heal a wound from childhood.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Like all species, harmful microbes evolve over time in response to environmental conditions. Syphilis, for example, was far more lethal and fast-spreading 500 years ago. It killed its human victims relatively quickly, which diminished its ability to proliferate in new hosts. Ultimately, a milder variety developed to ensure the survival of the species. An infected person lived longer and could spread the syphilis strain further. I propose that you adopt this model as a metaphor for dealing with your bad moods, aberrant behavior, and temporary attacks of insanity. Cultivate your relationship with the milder forms of these pathologies, confident that this will make the nastier versions obsolete.