By Albert Samaha
By Steve Weinstein
By Devon Maloney
By Tessa Stuart
By Alison Flowers
By Albert Samaha
By Jesse Jarnow
By Eric Tsetsi
ARIES (March 21-April 19): Happy Holy Daze, Aries! I've been meditating on the perfect holiday gift for you. What symbolic item might inspire you to take maximum advantage of the cosmic currents in 2004? I decided on the book Marathon Training for Dummies, by Tere Stouffer Drenth. It's not because I think you should literally gear up to run a 26-mile race during the coming year. Rather, I'd like to get you in a frame of mind in which you're always prepping yourself for lengthy projects that will require stamina, resourcefulness, and strategic thinking.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): The love song is an endangered species. Lots of modern musicians do sex songs and pain songs and rage songs, but few are inclined to craft tunes in which they declare their passionate affection and describe it in all its nuanced uniqueness. As a result, Taurus, you will most likely be out of sync with the tenor of the times in 2004. Your heart will be stirred as it hasn't been in many moons. Even if you're not a professional vocalist, you may often feel longings to express your lush emotions in song. If I were going to get you a holiday gift, it would be a compilation CD filled with the greatest love songs of the last 60 years.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20):Happy Holy Daze, Gemini! I predict that you'll dive deeper in 2004. You will cheerily plunge in over your head as you pursue the noble goal of getting to the bottom of things. Exploring murky waters shouldn't faze you because you'll have a sixth sense that's equivalent to being able to see in the dark. In looking around for a holiday gift you could give yourself to encourage these extraordinary predilections, I came across a yellow submarine for sale on the Internet. Amazingly, it's named the Gemini. For more info, see subeo.com/inside.htm.
The Televisionary Oracle
A Novel by Rob Brezsny
A lusty but sensitive rock star encounters the leader of a goddess - worshiping religious order that values pranks as much as prayers.
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CANCER (June 21-July 22): You think you know what chocolate is all about? You don't. The tastes you find in M&M's and Hershey's Kisses comprise a tiny percentage of chocolate's total flavor spectrum. A few vanguard connoisseurs are beginning to awaken to the glorious diversity. New York now boasts several gourmet boutiques that offer the kind of variety characteristic of wine and coffee specialty stores. If I could get you a holiday gift, Cancerian, it would be a sampling of these exotic chocolates. Maybe if you realized what you've been missing in this one area, you'd also get more aggressive about pursuing a wider array of other fine pleasures in 2004. And that would be in alignment with the astrological omens.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Happy Holy Daze, Leo! I've been meditating on the perfect holiday gift for you. What would best get you ready for 2004? What symbolic offering might motivate you to take maximum advantage of the astrological opportunities ahead? And the answer is: dirtto be exact, one cup of good, rich soil from each of the seven places in the world where you feel most at home. With these containers of sacred ground displayed on your altar, you might be inspired to come way down to earth: to be more practical, detail-oriented, skilled at compromise, and hardworking than you've ever been.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Happy Holy Daze, Virgo! I've been meditating on the perfect holiday gift for you. What symbolic offering might inspire you to be in closest alignment with the cosmic currents in 2004? I decided on a framed photo of a Great White Shark, which is the only sea creature that has no natural enemies. I expect that you will likewise have few adversaries and obstacles in the coming months. The Great White is also at the top of the food chain, and while you may not ascend all the way to the pinnacle of your local hierarchy, you should definitely climb higher.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Happy Holy Daze, Libra! I've been meditating on the perfect holiday gift for you. What symbolic item might help you take maximum advantage of the cosmic currents in 2004? Here's what I came up with: the film Destino, a collaboration between surrealist painter Salvador Dalí and Walt Disney's team of animators. Though the joint artistic effort began soon after Disney and Dalí met in 1945, it wasn't completed until recently. In that sense alone it should be inspiring, because you, too, will be striving to revive an old dream in the coming months. Your near future will resemble a Disney-Dalí creation in another way: There'll be a convergence of what's weird and what's popular, what's extraordinary and normal, what's adventurous and cute.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): The coming year will be a favorable time to double your commitment to rowdy fun. I encourage you to attend more parties than usual and always be on the lookout for how you can energize social occasions with acts of joyous abandon. You'll also be wise to infuse even your intimate encounters with boisterous amusements. Therefore, Scorpio, please consider doing more handstands on bar stools in 2004. Try dancing on tabletops with only some of your clothes on, slurping right out of punch bowls, starting food fights, and knocking over lamps while spontaneously making love. If I were going to get you a symbolic holiday gift this year, it might be a chandelier, conveying to you my hope that you will bring back the lost art of swinging on chandeliers.