By Keegan Hamilton
By Albert Samaha
By Village Voice staff
By Tessa Stuart
By Albert Samaha
By Steve Weinstein
By Devon Maloney
By Tessa Stuart
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Happy Holy Daze, Sagittarius! I've been meditating on the perfect holiday gift for you. What would best get you ready for 2004? What might help you take maximum advantage of the astrological opportunities ahead? And the answer is: a $20-million, 30-second ad about you and your services, to be broadcast on TV during the Super Bowl next February. You need a splashy marketing gambit like that to get the word out. It's high time for you to shine in the spotlight at center stage.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Happy Holy Daze, Capricorn! I've been meditating on the perfect holiday gifts for you. What symbolic items might inspire you to take maximum advantage of the cosmic currents in 2004? I've decided on three things: (1) binoculars, which I hope will encourage you to constantly seek closer looks at distant sights; (2) mountain-climbing equipment, which I hope will encourage you to spend more time outside, get naturally high, and look at the world from lofty perspectives; (3) lightweight, quick-drying, anti-bacterial underwear designed to be washed every night as you travel. I hope they'll encourage you to leave behind heavy baggage and complicated expectations as you make frequent forays out of your comfort zone.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Your holiday celebrations wouldn't be much fun if there were no such thing as fungi. One member of the fungus family, yeast, is essential to brewing alcoholic beverages, baking pastries, and turning cocoa beans into chocolate. Another type of fungus is crucial to the growth of most Christmas trees. They grow well only because of the symbiotic relationship between their roots and certain mushrooms. Wrapping paper would of course also be scarce without the mushrooms' assistance. Now that you've heard these facts, Aquarius, I hope you'll decide to make the fungus your good luck charm in 2004. It will remind you to hold in high esteem the hidden forces and unsung people that will be constantly working behind the scenes on your behalf. This will be the Year of Secret Helpers. (Thanks to Tom Volk's "Fungus of the Month" website at botit.botany.wisc.edu/toms_fungi/fotm.html.)
The Televisionary Oracle
A Novel by Rob Brezsny
A lusty but sensitive rock star encounters the leader of a goddess - worshiping religious order that values pranks as much as prayers.
Check out Rob's band World Entertainment War.
Want to know more about Rob, or look up past horoscopes? Visit freewillastrology.com.
You can contact Rob at firstname.lastname@example.org.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Happy Holy Daze, Pisces! I've been meditating on the perfect holiday gift for you. What would best get you ready for 2004? What might motivate you to take maximum advantage of the astrological opportunities ahead? I've decided to give you a small, circumscribed part of the Pacific Ocean. It's a cubic mile located between longitude 110 and 111 degrees west, and between latitude 10 and 11 degrees south. I'm hoping that this manageable, well-defined section of the primal sea will inspire you to create better boundaries as you deal with your own oceanic emotions, to be more judiciously dramatic and less overflowingly melodramatic.
Homework: Forget what Time magazine thinks. Who is your "Person of the Year?" beautyandtruth.com