By Albert Samaha
By Steve Weinstein
By Devon Maloney
By Tessa Stuart
By Alison Flowers
By Albert Samaha
By Jesse Jarnow
By Eric Tsetsi
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): As I compose this horoscope, I'm sitting in an airport bar during a layover. Something odd is happening with the 16 televisions that stretch from one end of the bar to the other. Until 10 minutes ago, they'd all been showing the same basketball game. Now each is tuned to a different station. On one TV, the Blue Fairy is waving a wand over Pinocchio. On another, cops are carrying a pig out of a fountain. I'm also keeping up with the story of an African princess learning to be a card shark and a game of camel polo in an Iraqi wasteland, but that's all I can handle. Your life may soon resemble what I'm experiencing now, Sagittarius. I advise you to be like me and don't let your attention split in more than four directions.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): It would be a good time to go on eBay and try hawking the invisible bath toys of your imaginary friend or the signature of the celebrity you were in your past life. Other activities that would align you well with the cosmic ebb and flow: getting a gig moonlighting as a party planner; writing a witty, brazen appeal for a grant to someone who might actually give it to you; and brainstorming about how to have more fun making money and how to make more money having fun.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): The astrological omens suggest that you currently have an aptitude for extreme gardening. In its literal sense, the term refers to the cultivation of flowers and vegetables in places like desert oases or frigid terrains above the tree line. Interpreting it metaphorically, I'd guess that you have a knack for creating something out of nothing. You could probably coax cautious people into helping you nurture daring plans, or jump-start a project that seems to have little more going for it than hope.
The Televisionary Oracle
A Novel by Rob Brezsny
A lusty but sensitive rock star encounters the leader of a goddess - worshiping religious order that values pranks as much as prayers.
Check out Rob's band World Entertainment War.
Want to know more about Rob, or look up past horoscopes? Visit freewillastrology.com.
You can contact Rob at email@example.com.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Writing on Salon, Farhad Manjoo and Katharine Mieszkowski predict that e-mail spam will ultimately lead to the downfall of Internet porn. Here's the scenario they foresee. By taking advantage of the various sexual enhancements offered via spam, millions of men will become well-endowed, hard-bodied masters of lovemaking. As their ability to date and satisfy real women soars, they will lose interest in porn's virtual pleasures. Voilà! Web smut will decline precipitously. I prophesy an analogous development for you in the coming weeks, Pisces. You may find you're able to manipulate one of your enemies into defeating another. Or a compulsive part of your psyche could help solve a problem created by an immature part of your psyche. Or both.
Homework: If the average street cleaner in Cambodia were to trade places with you now, he'd think he'd been transported to paradise. What aspects of your life would he be most envious about? beautyandtruth.com