NY Mirror

Speaking of gay marriage, David Gest's lawyer said Gest was racked with pain and busy having tons of facial injections. Yeah, Botox! The attorney also claimed that Liza criminally kept quiet about having some condition or other, but he wouldn't specify what it was because he didn't want to embarrass her. Too late, sleazebag! . . . An observant traveler spotted Jennifer Love Hewitt flying with American Dreams' Will Estes. (But who designed her boobs, I mean shoes?) . . . I hear that other Jennifer, Ms. Lo, is barely seen in the trailer for Jersey Girl. (Relax, it isn't really a Bennifer flick; J.Lo's a supporting player.)

In other sexpot movie news, Web bunnies swear Nicole Kidman will play the leggy Ulla in The Producers movie (but consider the source). Ulla-la? . . . Sopranos spoiler (don't read this! no, don't!): Carmine will go bye-bye. . . . Tough guy Russell Simmons is furious at all the attention paid to his wife Kimora Lee Simmons's materialism, but the little wench obviously plays into it. I keep getting press releases about a TV program in which she shows off her Fabergé (real, not candy) eggs and other ostentatious delights. If you've got it, flaunt it, honey—but if you flaunt it, don't bitch us out for commenting on it!

A whiner, but funny about it, Hebrew Hammer star Adam Goldberg got testy during an interview with cable host Barry Z, the two humans not appreciating each other's beauty. When Z smirkily asked Goldberg, "How is it playing a dick?" (meaning the uncircumsized Hammer), the actor answered, "I don't know. How is it playing a dick for you?" But Goldberg really bristled when Z asked if he's been in other movies. "Oh, pal!" he snarled, snorting for the third time. "Pal, come on. Look me up on imdb. A little war film called Saving Private Ryan." Oh, yeah—didn't care for it, pal.

But I did love The Killing Fields, especially since it gave bit player Spalding Gray enough material to launch a career as a dry, witty monologuist. Last year, I asked Spalding if he planned to turn his car accident and subsequent depression into another priceless soliloquy, and he looked horrified and said, "No!" But he recently did so with a workshop production, proving again that theater has always been his—and our—safest haven. Feeling disconnected since the crash and devastated that he was on crutches on 9-11 and couldn't be part of the caring response, Spalding had become a haunted figure, possibly courting the Cracks of Doom. In his absence (as of press time), so have I.

SPECIAL TO THE WEB: After helping the entire straight populace with their advice and product placements, the Queer Eye for the Straight Guy boys are finally going to be helping one of their own. No, they're not planning to do themselves over. I hear casting is under way for a gay guy to be made over by the queeny quintet. I guess heteros will have to fend for themselves for a week.


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