Stearns & Foster, R.I.P.

All this equipment promises difficult positions made easy, increased gymnastic ability with less exertion, and support for people with chronic pain or disabilities; each one also touts its own unique quality—from space-age weightlessness to a two-in-one fucking/weight-lifting bench. Will it surpass the bed as our favorite copulation spot? Not likely. I just got my new Sealy queen; she's firm, she's got a pillow top, and she sits several inches higher than the old one in my bed frame (think about it). She's clean and unblemished. She requires no assembly, instructions, or adjustments. More importantly, she's neutral territory, free of emotional baggage and sexual energy. And she's waiting for me to take her virginity . . .

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