By Alex Distefano
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SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Back in the 1980s, an old pal of mine was a girlfriend of Democratic presidential hopeful John Kerry. I'm hoping if he's elected in November, she'll arrange for me to get a tryout as his astrological adviser. Who knows? Maybe he already reads this column. You there, John? Here's my counsel for you and your fellow Sagittarians. As tempting as it might be to dramatize the differences between you and your competitors, your best bet in the short run is to be an emblem of unity. Don't let your powerful moral vision get bogged down in detailing what's wrong. Instead, be passionate about beauty and truth and justice. Strong women are the key to your next success. Ask more from them than ever before. And make sure that in the midst of your noble push to the frontier, you keep nourishing your roots.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19):Here's Big Secret of Life No. 27, crucial for your meditations in the coming weeks: Whatever you choose to focus your attention on, you will get more of it. So, for example, if you often think of everything you lack and how sad you are that you don't have it, you will tend to receive abundant evidence of how true that is. If, on the other hand, you dwell on the good things that make you feel grateful to be alive, they will probably multiply. You are a great wizard, Capricorn. Why not use your powers to practice white magic on yourself instead of the other kind?
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): This will be an elephant-wearing-a-parachute-as-it-falls-through-the-sky kind of week for you, Aquarius. It'll be a successfully- shoplifting-a-Bible kind of week, a using-bottles-of-Dom Pérignon-champagne-to-put-out-a-fire kind of week, a rewriting-a-Shakespeare-play-and-selling-it-to-a-Hollywood-producer kind of week. "Improbable" should be your nickname. "Prodigious" should be your word of power. If you don't receive a magic pretzel or a golden booger from a talking raven in your dreams, I'll be shocked.
The Televisionary Oracle
A Novel by Rob Brezsny
A lusty but sensitive rock star encounters the leader of a goddess - worshiping religious order that values pranks as much as prayers.
Check out Rob's band World Entertainment War.
Want to know more about Rob, or look up past horoscopes? Visit freewillastrology.com.
You can contact Rob at firstname.lastname@example.org.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Red alert! You're beginning to have an eerie resemblance to the guy who regularly stands on a street corner in Beijing and offers himself up as a punching bag. At least he makes money from it, charging stressed-out jerks about $6 to smack him around for two minutes. But I can't see any benefit coming to you for the way you're letting yourself be abused. Please stop this perverse form of entertainment immediately. Find a better strategy for encouraging intimate contact with people.
Homework: What quality or behavior in you would most benefit from healthy self-mocking? Tell how you keep yourself honest. Write beautyandtruth.com