By Albert Samaha
By Steve Weinstein
By Devon Maloney
By Tessa Stuart
By Alison Flowers
By Albert Samaha
By Jesse Jarnow
By Eric Tsetsi
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Northern California, the place I call home, has more spiritual workshops per capita than anywhere else on earth. On a given weekend, you can choose from yoga retreats, meditation classes, astrology intensives, and a hundred other adventures in woo-woo. Grizzled veterans of the scene have a phrase to describe the attitude of workshop leaders who are overly proud of how enlightened they arewho ooze a pretentious solemnity that belies the divine grace they're supposedly championing. The term is "stinky Zen." It's a perfect way to convey the fact that humorless self-importance can sabotage even the finest ideals. Be on the alert for this stench, Sagittariusnot only in New Age types, but in everyone else, too. I nominate you to be the earthy whistle-blower who makes sure that all the deep truths stay fun and funny.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Some British celebrities turn down the honors their government proposes to bestow on them. For example, actor Albert Finney refused to become a knight, saying it was "a disease which perpetuates snobbery." Similarly, some people reject gifts they can't use or don't want. My friend Glenda's uncle offered to give her an ostrich farm in Louisiana on the condition that she move there and oversee its operation. No thanks, she said. I advise you to be on the alert for meaningless honors and pseudo-blessings like these, Capricorn. Don't let them distract you from the real thing, which will arrive later.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): At no time in the week ahead will you be struck by lightning, squeezed by a giant python, or blindsided by an old nemesis. I do predict that an unexpected force will hit you upside your attitude, but it will be the kind that's good for you. Here are some examples of what form this intervention might take. You could be splashed with a squirt gun by a friend who wants to break down an awkwardness or formality that has undermined your closeness; you could be hit with rolled-up socks thrown by a child who has something important to tell you; or you may be hugged with surprising ferocity by a person who is suddenly sorry to have been taking you for granted.
The Televisionary Oracle
A Novel by Rob Brezsny
A lusty but sensitive rock star encounters the leader of a goddess - worshiping religious order that values pranks as much as prayers.
Check out Rob's band World Entertainment War.
Want to know more about Rob, or look up past horoscopes? Visit freewillastrology.com.
You can contact Rob at firstname.lastname@example.org.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Some astrologers believe that an unusually high percentage of babies born on February 29 grow up to be bisexual. I would go further and say that people born on that day are more likely to become bisexual, transgendered, double-jointed, ambidextrous double agents who are equally skilled at accessing both their left and right brain. Even you Pisceans who were not born on that exceptional day will be injected with a hefty dose of the February 29 spirit this week. It should be an excellent time to have your cake and eat it, too.
Homework: Unleash an outrageous boast about how you're going to pull off a certain feat that you've previously lacked the chutzpah to attempt. Testify at beautyandtruth.com