By Alex Distefano
By Scott Snowden
By Anna Merlan
By Steve Almond
By Jena Ardell
By Jon Campbell
By Alan Scherstuhl
By Tessa Stuart
ARIES (March 21-April 19): The opportunity that's available to you may not be entirely appealing to your pride. It would require you to place yourself in service to a force that's greater than you are. I compare it to the role played by Steve Williams, the caddie for golf superstar Tiger Woods. Carrying around a bag of golf clubs may not seem glamorous, but Williams earns as much as $1 million a year doing it for Woods.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Novelist Ursula K. Le Guin decries the linear perspective that dominates modern storytelling. She says it's "like an arrow, starting here and going straight there and THOK! hitting its mark." Furthermore, she complains, plots are usually advanced through conflict, as if interesting action can't possibly arise from any other catalyst. Your assignment in the coming week, Taurus, is to rebel against these oppressive conventions. Boycott any story whose narrative drive is fueled primarily by painful events. Protest movies that imply most human experiences are fraught with difficulty and resolved neatly. Most importantly, look back and celebrate the luminous mysteries that have shaped your life story: the meandering fascinations that didn't lead to tidy conclusions, the wobbly joys that fed your soul, the adventures whose success was built on sweet breakthroughs rather than triumphs over suffering.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Since your life has more than a slight resemblance to a chess match these days, I'm calling upon grand master Victor Korchnoi to talk a little strategy. "I like to coax my opponents into attacking," he says, "to let them taste the joy of the initiative, so that they may get carried away, become careless, and sacrifice material." Please meditate on how you might adopt this approach to use in your next gambit, Gemini. It's time, in my astrological opinion, for some smart mischief.
The Televisionary Oracle
A Novel by Rob Brezsny
A lusty but sensitive rock star encounters the leader of a goddess - worshiping religious order that values pranks as much as prayers.
Check out Rob's band World Entertainment War.
Want to know more about Rob, or look up past horoscopes? Visit freewillastrology.com.
You can contact Rob at email@example.com.
VANQUISHER (ALSO KNOWN AS CANCER) (June 21-July 22) Have you ever thought about becoming an astrologer? This would be an ideal time to explore the possibilities. For that matter, you will attract grace and synchronicity if you do anything to expand your understanding of how big archetypal forces interact with our little personal lives. Reading books by psychologist Carl Jung or mythologist Joseph Campbell would be excellent for your health. So would doing a meditation session under the night sky or contemplating your dreams as you take in a planetarium show. Have you ever heard the ancient mystical formula "As above, so below"? It means the cosmos is reflected in your psyche, and vice versa. Look everywhere for evidence that it's true.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): In the Grimms' version of the fairy tale "Sleeping Beauty," all the trouble stemmed from a seemingly minor mistake: The king and queen invited 12 of the realm's fairies to their daughter's party, but ignored the 13th simply because they only had 12 gold plates. This last fairy came anyway, angrily crashing the feast and casting a curse as vengeance for being snubbed. I advise you not to make a similar gaffe this week, Leo. Even if your personal equivalent of the 13th fairy is an awkward character or a disruptive presence, you need that influence right now. And the practical fact of the matter is that if you don't welcome it, it'll mess with you; if you do welcome it, it'll bless you.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Speaking on your behalf, I hereby give notice to the cosmos that it must try harder to please you. Its lukewarm support will no longer be considered sufficient for your needs. Its roundabout approach to helping you fulfill your dreams must become more direct and straightforwardor else! Specifically, I demand that the gods, fates, dispensers of karma, or however they want to be referred to must, no later than March 13, 2004, begin to provide you with a steady stream of satisfying interpersonal encounters. This must include, though it is not limited to, more tender intimacy, more engaging friendships, and more interesting conversations.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): You still have a chance to avoid that Pyrrhic victory you're spiraling toward. For those of you without a dictionary nearby, a "Pyrrhic victory" is defined as a costly triumph, useless advantage, or empty success. What's your best bet for avoiding it? First, start thinking of what your soul needs rather than what your ego craves. Second, forget about trying to provide balance to a distorted situation that's too fixed to be influenced. Third, become aware of how your focus on what you dislike is reinforcing what you dislike.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): "Dear Rob Brezsny: As much as I enjoy reading your stuff, I have to admit that I almost always have to do the opposite of whatever you advise. It's just my nature. So here's my request: Could you write a horrorscope for us Scorpios who are backwardsthe negatively aligned people? Knee-Jerk Rebel in Sacramento." Dear Knee-Jerk: Your wish is hereby granted. This week you should avoid all experiences that might result in experiencing heaping doses of love and liberation. Repress the warm, sexy emotions welling up inside you. Devote yourself to boring tasks that make you feel numb.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Are you ready to negotiate with the chaotic, confusing feelings you usually hide from? Would you consider tunneling down into your soul's darkest pit and hunting for the hidden treasure there? Here are a few morsels to take with you on your journey. (1) "That which we do not bring to consciousness appears in our lives as fate." Jung (2) "Perhaps all the dragons of our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us once beautiful and brave." Rilke (3) "The great epochs in our lives are at the points when we gain the courage to rebaptize our badness as the best in us." Nietzsche