By Alex Distefano
By Scott Snowden
By Anna Merlan
By Steve Almond
By Jena Ardell
By Jon Campbell
By Alan Scherstuhl
By Tessa Stuart
The Old Testament's pretty porny: so-and-so begetting this one, Abraham laying down with that one, Eve snaking it up. When God artificially inseminated Mary, Joseph got gipped out of a world-altering fuck. But just as the Sharper Image catalogue and cute-kitten calendars count as pornfetishizing fancy consumer goods and basketfuls of writhing fluffballs as they doso too has the New Test. been obscenely recast. I'm talking, of course, about Starsky & Hutch. Oh, wait ... wrong set of of notes. I'm talking, of course, about The Passion of the Christ. We all know the Christ suffered and died for our sins (those of you who belong to other world religions can just take my word for it). But not until Mel Gibson creamed the collective jeans of your local church bingo group with two hours of obscene violence did we realize just how staggering the scope of the Christ's economy of consent truly was. Seeing your Savior take a viscious ass-kicking to cleanse you of your sins ain't far from the gal next door allowing monster dicks in every hole.
OK, it's true, I haven't actually seen the movie, but I've overheard enough people bullshitting about it to make women imperiling themselves for our entertainment this week's theme. First, Dangerous Lives of Blondes 2 (Legend), a series of you-know-what jokes stitched into a threadbare plot. (It's tough to beat some guy dragging a cross in the story department.) And while I prefer drummer jokes (are those guys ever stupid!), I welcome any injections of humor in addition to the hot beef. The movie kicks off at the DMVa bold start. A willowy blond waits in line, striding angrily to the counter when she's called. "There's a big fucking problem," she seethes at the kindly man who I've witnessed ream 25 or 30 girls in the last year. When she dumps out her purse to find her license, nail polish, a dildo, and a butt plug all tumble out. "You gave me an 'F' for 'sex'I demand a retest!"
That reminds me of this one-armed drummer ... oh, never mind. So, Blondie comes behind the counter, and the clerk unzips his pants to let out his ham and eggs. She takes off her adorable white jeans and halter top, revealing the nicest pierced set I've seen since meeting Rachel Rotten, then dropswhere else?to her knees. Going a little too deep early in the gentle face-fucking, the clerk causes Blondie to back off quickly, then cutely pat her chest and make a frowny face, as if she'd just sipped her widdle glass of soda pop too quickly. Then she puts her hands behind her back again. With spit now running gloriously down her chest, he lifts her onto a desk and tosses it in. She guides three of his fingers into her mouth, and he fiercely grips one pierced tit with his other hand. She passes.
Army of Ass
This is just a tastean Everlasting Gobstopper three-course-meal-in-one-candy taste, to be sure, but merely a prelude to the actual plot. Heroine Bambi hangs with peroxide friend who has a Chicano gangsta for a boyfriend. He calls them "putas." "He doesn't seem very nice," Bambi cautions. The friend doth protest: "Yes he is! Why else would he be doing 500 hours of community service?" He chimes in: "This dick ain't gonna suck itself!" (They rarely do.)
After some ultra-closeups of wet body parts, we see Bambi at a restaurant with her angry, balding pa. "I'm in love, daddy!" Bambi gushes. The camera pans to their table, where four men in jerseys and sunglasses sit, hilariously tossing basketballs to one another. "You're in love with the entire basketball team!" Daddy fumes. The next table over, an ugly older dude's talking to a just-plump preppy blond: "I want you for a friend," he coos. Then the friend comes over and fucks her.
And on: yet another guy asks a woman who can name every state capital ("Arizona?" "A!"), "Where do you stand on oral sex?" "By the side of the bed!" Daddy tells Bambi to look out for a dead bird she's about to step on, and she looks up: "I don't see the dead bird, Daddy!" In the end, although she dumps the basketball team for the football squad, she only sucks and fucks one of the players. Sheeshthe filmmakers obviously haven't studied blonds that closely.
More damsels in distress: The moderately hot Army of Ass (Skintight) shows women in tight green or camouflage "uniforms" talking dirty about getting assfucked (then getting assfucked). PSA: Thing about this week's women and their "dangerous" lives is, they have more agency than your typical porn sluts. Bambi maintained entire harems, and these soldier ladies bring out big bedroom guns: "Fuck my shit pussy with your tongue!" a green-eyed beauty savagely orders some guy. Although the ringleted redhead does say, confusingly, "Fuck this pussyit's boring!"
Similarly, Brainwash 2 (Elegant Angel) gives its ladies and their vaginas the shaft: The star, a spy infiltrating some macho world, has "delusions to the extreme" after, I'm guessing, being brainwashed. Forced for a time to shower with other women in a prison camp, she's liberated by some douchebag in a beret. Saviors like that make one appreciate the Christ.
Elegant Angel, 9801 Variel Street, Chatsworth, CA 91311, elegantangel.com Legend, 9145 Owensmouth Avenue, Chatsworth, CA 91311, legenddirect.com Skintight, 9145 Owensmouth Avenue, Chatsworth, CA 91311, skintightpictures.com