By Albert Samaha
By Steve Weinstein
By Devon Maloney
By Tessa Stuart
By Alison Flowers
By Albert Samaha
By Jesse Jarnow
By Eric Tsetsi
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Evangelical Christian TV personality Pat Robertson says God told him that George W. Bush will win the U.S. presidential election in a landslide. That's odd, because God told me the exact opposite: Bush will be out of office and sitting on the board of Halliburton by February 2005. To my knowledge, Robertson has not yet commented on the upcoming binge of intelligent fun and righteous pleasure that astrologers are predicting for you Sagittarians. My guess, though, is that his God wouldn't approve. My God, on the other hand, predicts that you will generate good karma as you have a sweet, boisterous time.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): An entrepreneur approached me with a proposal. "Your work should be getting out to a bigger audience. The masses are starving for your message. That's why you need me. With my marketing machine, your name could become as recognizable as Deepak Chopra's. Let's build an entertainment conglomerate and hawk a hundred Rob Brezsny-style products." "Nah," I said. "People come to me seeking sanctuary from hype. They know I won't smack them upside the head with relentless sales pitches." I urge you to adopt a similar attitude in the coming week. Let everyone relax in your presence, knowing they won't be hustled, cajoled, or manipulated.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): The Golden Rule is a decent ethical principle, but it could be even better. "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you" presumes that others like what you like. But that's laughably naive and potentially a big mistake. There are many things you would like to have done unto you that others would either despise or be bored by. Here's a new, improved formulation, which we'll call the Platinum Rule: Do unto others as they would like to have you do unto them. Of course, these are always powerful words to live by, Aquarius, but especially now. It's time to take your integrity to the next level.
The Televisionary Oracle
A Novel by Rob Brezsny
A lusty but sensitive rock star encounters the leader of a goddess - worshiping religious order that values pranks as much as prayers.
Check out Rob's band World Entertainment War.
Want to know more about Rob, or look up past horoscopes? Visit freewillastrology.com.
You can contact Rob at firstname.lastname@example.org.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Contrary to the assumptions of misinformed "skeptics," real astrology has nothing to do with the stars, except for one star: our sun. The 12 signs of the zodiac don't correspond to constellations, but demarcate symbolic phases of the cyclic relationship between the sun and Earth. Here's another correction of one of the skeptics' many misunderstandings: Astrology is an art, not a science. While it does have a logical coherency and can be of great use in understanding the mystery of our lives, it's not a precise body of facts based on repeatable experiments. It's a mythic language that trains our imaginations to be aware of the links between our inner world and the outer world. Take inspiration from my words as you fight back against those who judge and criticize you even though they don't understand you.
HOMEWORK What do you need to be rescued from? Who would you prefer to perform the rescue? Write: beautyandtruth.com