By Alex Distefano
By Scott Snowden
By Anna Merlan
By Steve Almond
By Jena Ardell
By Jon Campbell
By Alan Scherstuhl
By Tessa Stuart
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Everyone in the world is either a narcissist or a closet narcissist. Ironically, it's those in the latter group who're more dangerous. Their self-obsession expresses in covert ways that are hard to track. That's one reason why you should be unapologetically blatant about expressing your superiority this week, Sagittarius. The second reason is that the astrological omens suggest you have a mandate to be a raging megalomaniac. APRIL FOOL! I went overboard there, although not by a whole lot. Let's just say that between now and April 18 you have cosmic permission to love yourself even more than usual and break your all-time bragging records.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): My reader-satisfaction level is high. The weekly audience for this column is about 9 million, but I get an average of only 40 complaints a year. Maybe it's because you Capricorns are so forceful in sticking up for your needs, but a disproportionate number of the beefs I receive are from your tribe. That's why I've decided to never again utter a discouraging word in your presence. Forevermore, your horoscope will contain nothing but praise and good news. APRIL FOOL! I love you, Capricorn! And it wouldn't be very loving to refrain from kicking your butt on those rare occasions when you need it. Like now, for instance: I demand that you demand higher standards from yourself and your inner circle.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): A swimming coach in Darwin, Australia, decided that his young swimmers lacked ambition. They were consistently mediocre in competition, with no apparent drive for peak performances. Hoping to rouse their primal instinct to swim faster, he proposed to have them practice with a 10-foot crocodile in the pool. I wish you Aquarians would consider being equally daring as you ratchet up your motivation levels in the coming weeks. APRIL FOOL! Scaring yourself is a terrible strategy. But I do think you should take a more aggressive approach to stimulating your drive for excellence.
The Televisionary Oracle
A Novel by Rob Brezsny
A lusty but sensitive rock star encounters the leader of a goddess - worshiping religious order that values pranks as much as prayers.
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Want to know more about Rob, or look up past horoscopes? Visit freewillastrology.com.
You can contact Rob at firstname.lastname@example.org.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Quit your job immediately. Move out of your house. Break off your closest relationships. Give away all your clothes to charity and sell your car at less than market value, and I guarantee that within six weeks you will get an easy job where everyone loves you and you get paid way too much money to have way too much fun. APRIL FOOL! I was just testing you to see how susceptible you are to being manipulated by experts you trust. The fact is, if you turn down the volume of the authority figures who drone on in your headboth those who bent your thoughts in the past and those who shape your destiny in the presentyour financial situation and your job satisfaction will markedly improve.
No pain, no gain. Shi* happens. Life is a bitch and then you die. APRIL FOOL! The truth is that the whole world is conspiring to give you exactly what you need, exactly when you need it. Write: beautyandtruth.com