By Albert Samaha
By Steve Weinstein
By Devon Maloney
By Tessa Stuart
By Alison Flowers
By Albert Samaha
By Jesse Jarnow
By Eric Tsetsi
ARIES (March 21-April 19): Due to a confluence of unusual astrological influences, you've been temporarily authorized to act as if you are the love child of comedians Chris Rock and Margaret Cho. Here's some of the behavior you have a cosmic license to express: (1) Expose hypocrisy with uproarious honesty. (2) Lay yourself bare as a way to educate and inspire others. (3) Shock people awake with irreverent new spins on traditional subjects. (4) Risk being annoying in order to be a servant of the hilarious truth. (5) Be edgy and healing, disruptive and inspiring, half crazy and profoundly real.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): In my opinion, you're perfect just the way you are. Everything about your life is exactly how it should be. You're right on schedule to fulfill the mission you came to earth to carry out. The paradoxical thing is, though, that you can become even more perfect, and make your life even more completely what it could be, and expedite your progress in accomplishing the mission you came to earth to carry out. This week is an ideal time to understand how these seemingly contradictory truths can coexist.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Have you guessed that 2004 is the best year ever to coordinate the parts of your life that have always worked at cross-purposes? Do you realize how much power you now have to unify opposites? Please intensify your efforts to strike a dynamic balance between the impulses of your mind and the yearnings of your heart. Raise your expectations as you strive to create a more perfect blend of freedom and commitment. Summon an almost extreme faith in your ability to be both a charismatic star and a cooperative team player.
The Televisionary Oracle
A Novel by Rob Brezsny
A lusty but sensitive rock star encounters the leader of a goddess - worshiping religious order that values pranks as much as prayers.
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CANCER (June 21-July 22): The editors of The Old Farmer's Almanachave proposed a new generation of superstitions. Never sing in bed, they warn, or wear just one shoe. Avoid putting the wrong key in a lock, and never lay a broom on a bed. The doomsayers of the mainstream media do the same thing as the Almanac all the time, of course. They drum up an ever fresh supply of reasons why you should walk around paranoid, although they pretend their scary fantasies are more real than those of the Almanac. My feeling, Cancerian, is that it's a perfect time for you to rebel against every kind of compulsive fright-mongering, whether it originates with the professional perpetrators of mass anxiety or in the depths of your own unconscious. To get started, sing in bed while lying next to a broom and wearing one shoe.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): According to the New York Daily News, Leo novelist Danielle Steel had a tailor embroider the word bitch on 16 pairs of her socks. I suggest you do the same. If that's too extreme or time-consuming, write "hard core" on your ankle with a felt-tip marker. If that would sully your dignity, at least imagine that you have a tattoo on the sole of your foot that says "wise guy" or "riot grrrl." The point is not to send a tough message to the general public, but to make a secret pact with yourself. No one else but you needs to know that you're planning to become better grounded and more fiercely assertive.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): It's time for a check-in, Virgo. What progress have you been making in your work on this year's big opportunities? As I suggested last December, you'll attract unexpected help in 2004 by growing the parts of your life that are small and timid and immature. Likewise, you'll generate good luck any time you enlarge your sphere of influence and energize your ambitions. Thirdly, you'll feel more and more at home in the world if you aggressively seek out interesting responsibilities that liberate you from your old images of yourself. My sense is that you've been doing OK in all these tasks, but there's room for improvement. The coming weeks are the perfect time to kick your efforts into high gear.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): The moment is ripe to initiate shifts in the way you create your closest relationships. For starters, I suggest you change the words you habitually use to deal with this part of your life. "Relationship," for instance, is a crashingly dull term for something so interesting. Try "hookup" or "two-way" instead. And rather than referring to someone as your "friend" or "partner," call him or her your "accomplice," your "freestyle," or your "lightning." Dead terms like "significant other," "boyfriend," "girlfriend," and "spouse" should be forever banished as well. In their places, try "lushbuddy," "heartbeat," or "jelly roll." Feel free, of course, to dream up your own fresh slang.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): After you damage a fingernail, it grows faster than when it's in its normal state. Scientists have proved this, though they don't understand why it happens. I have observed that a similar phenomenon often occurs in people who have experienced a psychic wound. They ripen emotionally with amazing speed, blasting through inner obstacles that had kept them enslaved to the past. I predict that you will soon begin responding in this way to your recent hurt.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Let's take stock of the progress you've made since January 1. Most strikingly, you've been more disciplined in your quest for freedom and more discriminating about expressing your generosity. That's very good news. In past years, your drive for freedom has sometimes been chaotic, causing you to overestimate your strength; your generosity has often been excessive, leading you to promise too much. The fact that you're now reining in these two tendencies is a sign that you're finally poised to claim a measure of sovereignty you've never been ready for before.