By Jared Chausow
By Katie Toth
By Elizabeth Flock
By Albert Samaha
By Anna Merlan
By Jon Campbell
By Jon Campbell
By Albert Samaha
American Idolatry set the tone. It seemed as if all three judges were vying for the SIMON COWELL title, with Muz turning out to be the meanest, and DiCarlo playing the part of the uptight downtown nun. You could say she was PAULA, which would make Sunshine . . . RANDY? The judges hotly debated the winner outside while they chain-smoked. DiCarlo desperately wanted STELLA D'ORO to win. Her routine, set to the Chicago song "Cell Block Tango/He Had It Coming," with the performer playing out all six parts, and lip-synching to near perfection, had the crowd on its feet.
The other standouts, reigning champions ROTTEN TEETH, performed to a medley of HOLLY DUNN's "Daddy's Hands" and PAT BENATAR's "Hell Is for Children." I'll attempt to explain their performance, but I fear I won't do it justice. MARK SAM ROSENTHAL, wearing a baby blue sweat outfit, "sang" "There was always love in daddy's hands," while "Daddy," (CRAZY PETE ZIAS) sporting greasy hair, a potbelly, and a plaid flannel shirt, circled around him menacingly. Suddenly Rosenthal, now wearing full-on s/m leather, was on all fours with Daddy snapping on rubber gloves, giving Rosenthal the business while "Hell Is for Children" was blaring. Sunshine: "As much as I'm appalled, that was fantastic." Muz: "I'm a sucker for fisting and masturbating." DiCarlo: "That made me feel dirty." (Me too.) Rotten Teethsurprisetook the $100 prize.
During the show, Dugas poked fun at Mr. Sunshine's recent appearance on the only "reality" show that matters, Blind Date. Paired with an uptight, conservative chick who was so dull he can't remember her name, Sunshine played his silly side to the hilt. Wearing his ever present sunglasses, and donning the latest in scary '80s nostalgia wear, he inspired the Blind Date production staff, which superimposed the DEVO flowerpot on his head, and said of one outfit, "After the break, you'll get to see Tommie's Fred Flintstone look." Sunshine thinks he made out pretty good, all things considered. "All they did was make fun of my clothes. Her, they made look like the most bitter, cranky, lonely, disillusioned person in the world."
The previous night, Sunshine was interviewed on ABC for a show about Ecstasy, but you would've missed him if you blinked. "I am very proud to be part of the 'PETER JENNINGS Says Take Ecstasy Special,' " says Mr. Sunshine. If you watched the one-hour program, you would have also been led to believe that the news anchor had dropped an E and decided to tell the world how wonderful it is. "It's the best thing I've ever seen on network TV," Tommie says. Me too!
FANCY from FANNYPACK told me a tall tale recently, but it turns out he wasn't lying. One of the Fannypack girls, Belinda, ran away from home to be with her boyfriend, just before the band was set to tour Europe. Since she was under 18 when she joined the band, she wasn't legally allowed to do anything without her mother's consent, and when they wanted to go to Europe, Mom said no. Bummer.
They've replaced her with JODY C., a beautiful, bodacious black singer who is on the heavy side and is obsessed with JODECI (hence her nickname). She was recently featured on the cover of Large Encounters, a magazine for men who love big women. (Actual personals ad copy: "If you're classy, sassy and over 350 pounds . . . ") Fancy says she's the bomb. He also says that his management company doesn't want the band to have a "fat girl in the group. They think it's a fabricated girl group. The whole point of it is that they are normal girls. What's more normal than having a fat girl who represents 45 percent of the population?" You tell 'em, Fancy. Whatever. If they need to put a skinny chick on the cover, they can just use Fancy or (his suggestion) "one of them girls from HANSON."