NY Mirror

It's not hunky tandoori. It's utter naan-sense. It's dal as dishwater. It curries no favor. It's a potato ganesh with mustard. It's untouchable and unwatchable. But on opening night, I did enjoy the audience member bopping enthusiastically to the music—the show's producer ANDREW LLOYD WEBBER! He's a complete vindaloo-nie!

Moving on to legumes, let's raise the bar and end with some serious awards, even if they're just cans of beans (without pedometers) mounted on wooden boards. I'm talking about the Arlene's Grocery's Picture Show honors for homemade movies, which I presented along with Gilligan's Island's TINA LOUISE and documentarian ALBERT MAYSLES (Grey Gardens). Louise blew a gasket when she realized she was going to be the finale, squawking, "I'm not sitting here for two hours!" (A three-hour tour is a whole other matter.) She went on shortly afterward. Maysles had his own dramatic moment when I congratu- lated him on the musical version of Gardens being written by Pulitzer winner DOUG WRIGHT. "Who? What? You're kidding! How can I contact him?" dithered Maysles, who isn't a Jessica Simpson; he honestly hadn't been told.

Well, kids, I'm off to cash a Czech while wearing black Thai. I'm so freakin' dumb and cute!

Kissable, lickable: The Simpsons
photo: Miles Ladin
Kissable, lickable: The Simpsons


Love-Haiti Relationship

Fucked up? Unik and Heche
photo: Robert Braunfeld
The sexy Meat Market lounge PM turned it out last week, with voodoo motifs, La Perla lingerie displays, and Haitian co-owner UNIK telling the crowd, "You should all get fucked up!" At a booth, I broke it to IVANA TRUMP that the next day's Post would report that THE DONALD is engaged. A real pro, she barely missed a beat before gushing, "I'm very happy for them!" Ivana has her own engagement in the works—a reality show called Girls on Top. It's obviously the story of my sex life. No, actually, said Ivana, "As the host, I tell the girls not to go for old men who dangle jewelry." I guess wait till they die, then fleece their pockets.

In another corner, ANNE HECHE cooed to me, "Isn't it great to be here?" and I don't know if she meant PM, New York, or the entire world, but in any case, yes! And by the way, I'm thrilled that though Chelsea is the new Soho and Hell's Kitchen is the new Chelsea, the Meat Market is still the Meat Market! Enjoy the clubbing—just don't hurt anyone we like. M. M.


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