By Jared Chausow
By Katie Toth
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By Albert Samaha
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By Jon Campbell
By Jon Campbell
By Albert Samaha
ARIES (March 21-April 19): Whirl-Zap-Gush (the Supreme Being formerly known as God) has choreographed a rigorous dance for you to do this week. It has a mix of primal and elegant elements; it's both meditative and profanely funny. A good title for this mysterious spectacle might be Holy Ruckus or Sacred Uproar. As always, of course, you have free will: You can refuse to do the dance as Whirl-Zap-Gush has choreographed it, and instead go off and try your own spontaneous improvisations. But for maximum beauty, truth, and fulfillment, I suggest you stick with the divinely designed moves.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): It's time to get a new soundtrack for your life. Whatever music has served as your mythic theme all this time just doesn't cut it anymore. You need to sing and listen to songs that resonate with the fresh emotional currents that are flowing through you. As you update this primary source of inspiration, I suggest you turn your attention to others as well. Look for a book that can change your life, a role model to inflame your imagination, and a pair of magic underpants.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): I'm falling in love with you all over again, Gemini. You've been turning frustration into fuel, and that has impressed me deeply. I'm fascinated by how you've been using your sense of desperation as a good excuse to go crazy in creative and constructive ways. Your inner child and your inner wiseass have been collaborating to pull off unpredictable departures from tradition, and I find that very entertaining. I especially admire the warrior energy you've been bringing to your dreams: how you punched a hole in the nightmare, how you told jokes to the monster, how you risked everything to wake up.
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CANCER (June 21-July 22): Cancerian singer George Michael recently announced that he intends to give away his music for free, posting it on the Internet for anyone to download. "I've been very well remunerated for my talents over the years," he told BBC, "so I really don't need the public's money." Given the current astrological omens, dear Crab, it makes perfect sense for you to regard Michael as your role model in the coming week. I urge you to expand your generosity to the next level as you provide free samples of a resource or skill you've been blessed with in abundance.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Emotional Violence for Dummies was the alternate title Cintra Wilson gave to the film Mystic River. Writing in salon.com, she said that while Sean Penn is normally a great actor, the role for which he won his Oscar was overwrought. "I've seen more skillfully calibrated grief at Super Bowl parties," Wilson mused. She speculated that the academy was "playing catch-up ball," rewarding him for the better work he has done in previous movies. I'm guessing that you will soon have a similar experience, Leo. Like Penn, who was born in the sign of the Lion, you may get more credit or recognition than you seemingly deserve for your current efforts. But it will be well-deserved compensation for the undervalued wonders you pulled off in the past.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): It just ain't natural for a Virgo to be a spectacular exhibitionist. We astrologers might be forgiven, then, if we've wondered how the singer Beyoncé could possibly be a member of your tribe, as she claims to be. Recently, the mystery was solved. In an interview with the Star, Beyoncé revealed that a character named Sasha takes over her body onstage. "There's no way I'd wear a short little dress and dance like that in front of all those people," she said. I bring this up, Virgo, because I'd like you to consider acquiring your own alternate personality. He or she could help you fulfill your current cosmic mandate, which is to climb to a rooftop or mountaintop or tabletop and do a song and dance dedicated to the person you want to be five years from today.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): There's a book by Mira Kirshenbaum called Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Helping You Decide Whether to Stay in or Get Out of Your Relationship. Her aim is to help her readers "move from painful ambivalence to a clear sense of knowing what to do." I'll be saying a prayer with that theme for you this week, Libra. Whether the relationship in question is with a person or group or job or institution, it's high time for you to be free of swampy vacillation so you can glide into the future with a decisive, free-spirited vision.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): These days, Scorpio, you're like a jeweler who doesn't own any jewelry; you're like a TV repair person who never watches TV. The state you're in reminds me of an expert gardener watering the tomato plants when it's raining. You have the aura of a mother without any children or a general whose army is hiding from him. I'm not saying that any of this is a bad thing. It's actually pretty enigmatic and interesting. And for all I know, there may be some method in your madness. Perhaps you're daring fate to give you what you don't know you need.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): The placebo effect is a well-known but little understood phenomenon in medical science. Studies have shown that up to a third of all sick people feel better after receiving pills with no active ingredients. The reason may lie in the body's powerful instinct to participate in its own healing. When it believes help is on the way in the form of medication, it joins in by releasing endorphins, the natural opiates that induce relaxation and a sense of well-being. These thoughts lead me to my analysis of your astrological omens, Sagittarius: I believe that your current ailments, both physical and psychological, are exactly the kind that are most responsive to placebo cures. So load up! M&M's are effective, I've found, as are Pez candy and the little white pills contained in toy doctors' kits.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Here's how cartoonist Matt Groening feels about love: "Love is a perky elf dancing a merry little jig and then suddenly he turns on you with a miniature machine gun." Here, on the other hand, is what composer Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart believed: "Neither a lofty degree of intelligence nor imagination nor both together go to the making of genius. Love, love, love, that is the soul of genius." My analysis of the astrological omens leads me to suspect that in the coming weeks your life will be a vivid embodiment of one of those two definitions, Capricorn. Which will win out? The outcome will have nothing to do with blind fate. It'll depend entirely on whether you choose to play romantic games or devote yourself to the highest form of love you can imagine.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): What if I told you that you can change the past? It's true, Aquarius. You now have power over your memories. It's a perfect moment to adjust them, correct them, and reconfigure them so they will serve you better in the future. You're also in a good position to declare your independence from old images that have been oppressing you. There's no need to feel trapped into being who you used to be if that's not who you are anymore.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Last summer, three exhibitors at the Ohio State Fair tried to fool a panel of judges. The men glued hairpieces on their cows in an effort to hide the animals' sagging backs. But inspectors discovered the bovine toupees and disqualified the cheaters. Now if you Pisceans tried something like this in the coming week, you'd probably get away with itat least according to my analysis of the astrological omens. I don't recommend it, though. Ironically, you're far more likely to win competitions or succeed at challenges if you don't engage in subterfuge. Being honest and ethical will give you an unbeatable power you can't tap into any other way.
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