By Jared Chausow
By Katie Toth
By Elizabeth Flock
By Albert Samaha
By Anna Merlan
By Jon Campbell
By Jon Campbell
By Albert Samaha
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): If you've gone to college in the U.S., you've taken the S.A.T., a standardized test administered to high school students. Is it an accurate measure of intelligence? In a recent analysis, the Princeton Review determined that if the great Taurus writer William Shakespeare, had submitted his "All the world's a stage" speech for the essay section of the S.A.T., he would have flunked. Its language is too colorful. I suspect that you, too, may soon be judged or evaluated by one-dimensional minds, Taurus. Don't take it personally. They're simply not able to recognize and accommodate a soul as weighty as yours. Take their off-kilter response as a sign that you need to work harder to situate yourself in environments that fully appreciate you.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): I love my regular hikes to the top of idyllic Mohawk Hill. Green hills cascade in every direction. Horses graze in a nearby pasture. Red-tailed hawks soar overhead. But there is one blight: a gray metal storage structure surrounded by barbed-wire fence. At the climax of my ascent today, I rejoiced to find that this monstrosity had been improved. Artistic vandals had paid a visit, covering it with bright graffiti. The yellow, blue, and red designs were mostly indecipherable except for one patch that clearly said "Test Your Strength." That brings me to the point of this week's horoscope, Gemini. Your assignment is to carry out a legal version of what the vandals did: Bring dynamic, interesting disruption to a sterile, ugly scene, thereby testing your strength.
The Televisionary Oracle
A Novel by Rob Brezsny
A lusty but sensitive rock star encounters the leader of a goddess - worshiping religious order that values pranks as much as prayers.
Check out Rob's band World Entertainment War.
Want to know more about Rob, or look up past horoscopes? Visit freewillastrology.com.
You can contact Rob at firstname.lastname@example.org.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): Your symbol for the next four weeks will be the Great Wall of China. Centuries ago, it was a 4,000-mile-long defense system. In that respect, it was an apt metaphor for the formidable barriers you've built around yourself. But the modern version of the Great Wall is only one-third the size it once was, having been reduced over the centuries by people appropriating its stones for new building projects. This reduced state, I hope, is an apt metaphor for the way you'll be dismantling your defense mechanisms between now and June 20.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): "I knew that my God was bigger than his," bragged U.S. Army lieutenant general William G. Boykin as he derided a Somalian guerrilla leader. "I knew that my God was a real God, and his was an idol." I can't vouch for the accuracy of Boykin's assertion, but I do know this: According to my analysis of the cosmic omens, your supreme being really is stronger, sweeter, and sexier than everyone else's supreme beings, at least temporarily. Frankly, your God could kick all the other Gods' asses. I don't advise you to sic him on anyone, thoughnot even on the jerks who seem to deserve it. There'd be hell to pay later if you did. On the other hand, if you and your God show extra mercy and generosity in the coming weeks, you will accrue tremendous karmic credit, which you'll be able to harvest beginning in August.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Can you wait a while to receive your vindication, recognition, and reward? I hope so. If you insist on your prize immediately, it will be unfinished, like a garland made of flowers that were picked before they bloomed. If you're patient, on the other hand, fate will be able to fashion you a riper and more useful blessing. Do you need further motivation, Virgo? Here's some. One of the weak spots in your mastery of the game of life has been a lack of good timing, but lately you've been getting better at sensing the arrival of the perfect moment. Let this growing skill grow a little more.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): I don't want to encourage you to be a lazy, crazy, hazy drifter who careens from chance encounter to chance encounter without any specific intention in mind . . . but I do want to invite you to be an adventure-chasing, dream-intoxicated, passion-awakening wanderer who glides from experiment to experiment armed with the goal of opening your mind as far it can safely go. Head in the direction of the best smells and most intriguing mysteries, Libra.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Your fresh dilemma is actually a twisted old predicament in disguise. It's a bit prettier than it was the last time you saw it, but just as knotty. Please don't underestimate it. If you imagine you can force it to disappear overnight, you'll make bumbling decisions and awkward moves. If, on the other hand, you assume you'll need steady, prolonged effort, you will attract excellent luck and unexpected help. Be a humble warrior motivated not by hatred for the problem but by love for yourself.