Ban Anal Creampies!

You may know him from such films as The Best of the Sodomizer, Cumaholics, The Spankmaster, Bikini Bitches, and Yum Yum I Love Cum; but most recently, Rodney Moore shot his load on the pages of Adult Video News (avn.com). In an editorial titled "No More Anal Creampies," the director-actor came out against internal ass-shots, citing anal’s greater risk of transmitting HIV. He writes, "There is no more direct path [to infection] than an infected male cumming into the anus of another person, especially after said anus has been roughly pounded for 20-30 minutes, an activity for which it was not intended." (Personally, I find what it is intended for even nastier.)

I won't joke about the industry crisis that resulted in five HIV infections and a production moratorium that was only just lifted. But Moore's unedited article is pretty funny. Five paragraphs end with the phrase "It's about Anal Creampies"—including a random, self-serving rant against unionization, which is especially offensive given how freelance talent were all out of work during the stoppage, while their employers just dipped into their back catalog for "new" releases. Moore—whose website features a list of actresses he calls "Rodney Blast Survivors" and a joke about how you can beat your meat, eggs, and wife, but you "can't beat a blowjob"—does admit his peculiar bias, “No one in this industry has ever come up HIV positive from a facial cumshot. . . . Do I have an agenda? Yes, since I make my living on facial cumshots." I can only imagine what casual Fridays in his office are like.

Anyhow, Moore asks that directors use their "favorite imitation semen mixture" instead of real sperm when wanting to tape goo running out of assholes. I second the suggestion, under one condition: that this imitation semen henceforth be referred to as "dookie juice." (Thank you.) There's no dookie juice in Reverse Gang Bang (JM), a late-'80s–early-'90s novelty reissue, though there are 10 juicy women duking it out over one guy. Long-haired Euro musclehead Gerry Pike pulls into a Ferrari repair shop in a black Testarossa. Like just about any hip-hop video out right now, there's a bunch of hot chicks in skeezed-out uniforms holding tools and peering under hoods. The ladies all look like Lisa Lisa, but I kept expecting to see Lil Jon jump out with his chalice and yell, "Ohh-kaaay!"

"Where's the manager?" Pike barks, sounding like Arnold Schwarzenegger in Kindergarten Cop. Scarcely after the words have left his mouth, a bleached blond says the manager's not around and asks what’s wrong with the longhair’s whip. "It's just not lubricating, man," Pike explains, suddenly wistful. "This is Floyd, our transmission person," the blond responds, gesturing at a woman with a "Floyd" patch on her unbuttoned orange shirt. Did I mention they're surrounded by Ferraris? They are.

Pike softens as the cooing women close in on him and start stroking his exposed chest. By the time they pull down his bikini shorts, he’s hardened; and shortly thereafter, things start lubricating, man. (By things, I mean vaginas.) I've always wondered why mechanics charge so many woman-hours to have my exotic European sports cars repaired. Now I know the answer to that and why they put down those paper floor mats.

The ladies wild out at first, breaking into smaller, shifting groups: three gals on one, all aiming tongue for bush; one gets vibrated while eating another out, doggy-style; floaters mouth and grab tits and ass at will; and Pike mans an ass lick–dick suck–hood fuck. Then he orders them all to line up, butts facing him. To a chorus of whoops, moans, and "Oh yeah!"'s—reverse gang bangs sound so convivial—Pike then moves along methodically, plugging away while fingering to the left or right. He arranges them in a variety of positions, like on their backs, white sneakers in air, where he plunges them to the count of 10 in the pussies and then mouths—then whistles in their weeds! After a circle suck and a couple of ass penetrations and loads (but no creampies), a clearly exhausted Pike tells the camera, "This is how a guy looks after 10 women." Whatever bro . . . I just look in the mirror.

Costly and contrary to porn's typical fantasy of control over women and one's own stamina, reverse gang bangs are rare. Bi Group Sex Club 4 (Macho Man!) similarly complicates our received notions about orgies. In other words, it's really gay. Men actually have sex in this movie—with each other! In the mouth and the butt! This is not really my thing, but then again, I'm not a big fan of professional sports either, and plenty of people watch those. But in the end (or in the pussy), this movie just sucks dick. Every scene is identical: One South American guy politely swallows another South American guy’s penis, a third South American guy fools with a South American lady, then the four come together on the bed and prick one another (except for the South American lady, who just gets pricked), and then the lady and one guy get facialed. I've seen more exciting sex on Animal Planet. (Jeff Corwin blooper, you don’t wanna know.)