By Jared Chausow
By Katie Toth
By Elizabeth Flock
By Albert Samaha
By Anna Merlan
By Jon Campbell
By Jon Campbell
By Albert Samaha
ARIES (March 21-April 19): I almost always urge you to see the glass as half-full, not half-empty. But this week I'm more cautious. Why? Because you may soon be pressured to buy into overly optimistic fantasies. Even people you trust may encourage you to place inflated faith in shaky promises. So ask lots of probing questions, please. Beware of groupthink. On the other hand, however, there's no need to adopt a sour, suspicious perspective. Being cynical will not automatically make you insightful. See if you can manage to be a cheerful skeptic, as generous and open-minded as you are alert for the hype.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): A surfer from California recently collected his 15 minutes of fame when he rode his board for the 10,407th consecutive day. During those 28 years, Dale Webster never took a vacation. To keep his mornings free, he worked exclusively at low-paying night jobs. He surfed on the day his daughter was born and the day he passed kidney stones. His eyes now have scar tissue because he has gazed into the sun for so long, and he's literally afraid to stop surfing for even 24 hours. I nominate him to be both your role model and anti-role model, Taurus. It's a perfect time to commit yourself with fierce passion to a long-term dream, but only if you promise not to let your devotion degenerate into manic obsession.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): I lead a group called the Prayer Warriors. We petition God on behalf of people who need help in summoning divine intervention. Here's the prayer we'll be saying for your tribe in the coming months. Dear God: We beseech you to give a big, beautiful home to all Geminis who want one. If they aren't allowed to have that for karmic reasons, please grant them a comfortable apartment with no obnoxious roommates. If You can't manage that, bless them with a trailer that's free of mildew. If that's impossible, bestow on them a tent that doesn't leak and a cheap place to pitch it. If that's too much to ask, let them have their own tree house in a forest that's not too dark and scary. And if all that's out of the question, please at least help them feel at home in the world wherever they are.
The Televisionary Oracle
A Novel by Rob Brezsny
A lusty but sensitive rock star encounters the leader of a goddess - worshiping religious order that values pranks as much as prayers.
Check out Rob's band World Entertainment War.
Want to know more about Rob, or look up past horoscopes? Visit freewillastrology.com.
You can contact Rob at firstname.lastname@example.org.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): Antibiotics have been miracle drugs for over 60 years, but their potency is fading as bacteria evolve to become resistant to them. This has led some British doctors to revive a medieval approach to healingplacing maggots in open wounds. Seriously. The creepy creatures are fast and effective in cleansing infections. I'd like this to serve as your operative metaphor in the coming weeks, Cancerian. As you strive to mend old psychic lesions, call on the wisdom of the pasteven if it involves a cure that makes you a bit uneasy.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): The puzzle is not as difficult as you imagine. In fact, it has only seven piecesfar fewer than you've assumed. Perhaps you got thrown off by its simplicity; it does have a superficial resemblance to a more complicated puzzle from your past. The ironic thing is that you'll never figure it out it as long as you're so serious and stressed about it. To create the conditions that will lead to a solution, relax, have as much fun as possible, and assume that the puzzle will soon solve itself.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Most American children don't want to grow up to be president any more. The practice of politics is boring and sickening, they tell pollsters. There's too much pressure and too much arguing involved. Despite this trend, I predict that in the coming weeks, a disproportionately large percentage of Virgo youngsters will fantasize about someday becoming president of the United States. I further predict that one of these kids will ultimately be elected commander in chief in 2044. As for you Virgo adults, I believe that no matter what country you live in, events in the coming days will awaken your dormant reserves of ambition and authority.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): The time a rodeo cowboy has to stay on a bucking bronco to qualify: eight seconds. The time a lion tamer holds his head in a lion's mouth: seven seconds. The time it takes for a skydiver's parachute to open: six seconds. The time it takes for thunder to travel a mile: five seconds. The time it will take, sometime in the coming week, for divine intervention to reveal a galvanizing vision of your possible future: 10 seconds. The time it may take for you to fully understand the meaning of the vision: four months.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): The Israeli poet Yehuda Amichai wrote that "The soul is a search; the soul is a dance of searches for whatever is lost." Let that be your guiding thought in the coming weeks, Scorpio. The astrological omens suggest that it's high time for you to go looking for a missing treasure. The best way to ensure that you find it is to feed and praise and give free rein to the part of you that you call your soul.