By Alex Distefano
By Scott Snowden
By Anna Merlan
By Steve Almond
By Jena Ardell
By Jon Campbell
By Alan Scherstuhl
By Tessa Stuart
ARIES (March 21-April 19): There is a Native American nation that white people call the Winnebago. The tribe's members refer to themselves, however, as the Hotcagara. That's your first metaphorical clue for the week, Aries. You should firmly correct anyone who misnames or misidentifies you. Here's another tip, courtesy of the Hotcagara. In their origin myth, the great god Earthmaker wakes up to realize he is the only being in the universe. In his abysmal loneliness, he weeps. His tears become the oceans and rivers and lakes of our world. I suspect that the tears you cry in the coming week will also, like Earthmaker's, be profoundly creative.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): In his book The Gulag Archipelago, Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn documents the Soviet Union's oppression of many ethnic groups between 1918 and 1956. "Only one nation would not give in, nor acquire the mental habits of submission," he noted. "These were the Chechens. They never sought to please, to ingratiate themselves with the bosses. . . . No one could stop them from living as they did." I don't mean to imply that the manipulative pressures coming to bear on you, Taurus, are anywhere near as severe as what the Chechens experienced. In fact, your version might be rather covert or subtle. But I urge you, nevertheless, to stand up in defense of your independent spirit with a Chechen-like clarity and ferocity.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): At this point in your journey, Gemini, your free will is a more important factor in determining your fate than the constraints of karma or the whims of the gods. I won't waste your time, then, predicting what may or may not lie ahead. Instead, I'll invite you to formulate self-fulfilling prophecies about the beautiful future you want to create. To help tease out your brainstorms, I offer you a few of the laws of life articulated by Hawaiian shaman Serge Kahili King: (1) The world is what you think it is. (2) There are no limits; everything is pos-sible. (3) Energy flows where attention goes. (4) Now is the moment of power. (5) To love is to be happy. (6) All power comes from within.
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CANCER (June 21-July 22): "Dear Dr. Brezsny: Last night I dreamed I was returning home from a horrid date with a man who didn't even know my name. As I came into the living room, the heating duct flew off, and hundreds of rabbits started pouring in. At first I didn't mind, but then they started to attack me. Long story short, I was eaten alive by cute cuddly bunny wabbits. Comments? Apparently Delicious Moon Child." Dear Moon Child: I think you're dreaming for the entire Cancerian tribe. Here are some possible dream interpretations. (1) You've been too nice for your own good lately. (2) Your extreme, almost manic fertility is leading you to do things that aren't healthy for you. (3) You should minimize contact with anyone who doesn't see you for who you really are, and you shouldn't indulge people who take advantage of your nurturing sweetness.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): "Leafing through 'Forbes' or 'Fortune' is like reading the operating manual of a strangely sanctimonious pirate ship," wrote Adam Gopnik in The New Yorker. My perspective is a little different. I think of Forbesand Fortune as the Bibles of the world's pre-eminent religion, the Holy Orthodox Church of Business as Usual. It's a cult we all have to come to terms with and pay tribute to. What's your relationship with it, Leo? Have you made your peace, or are you in a state of tormented denial? If it's the former, the next three months will be a favorable time to increase your income. If it's the latter, you should consider going on a financial vision quest.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): [Note: In the spirit of the epic yet mysterious turning point you're at, Virgo, I'm providing you with an extravagant yet cryptic oracle. Read it with the nonlinear side of your brain.] Your escape from the false "home" is imminent. Are you ready to change about 10 percent of your mind about who you really are and 20 percent of your mind about where you truly belong? Regard it as a lucky sign if the prospect of fresh freedom rouses an ancient fear. It means you're close to finding the lost key to the kingdom of childhood, which is also the key to the secret garden of adulthood.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Using probability theory, mathematician J.E. Littlewood calculated that most people typically experience a miracle at a rate of about one per month. In my experience, that estimate is high. I think the average is closer to one miracle every seven weeks. But you Libras can disregard this speculation completely. The astrological omens suggest that the next four weeks will bring you at least four and as many as nine amazing synchronicities, supernatural interventions, and wondrous mysteries.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): There's a chance that friends or family members will soon behave in a way that drives you crazy. It's also likely, however, that they will connect you to new resources and help you transcend your limitations. A third possibility is that they will do both: hurt you and heal you. However it all shakes out, Scorpio, you can be sure that your closest relationships are about to teach you lessons you didn't even realize you needed to know.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Laughter Yoga (laughteryoga.org) is a new international phenomenon that began in India. Practitioners gather together regularly to engage in half-hour sessions of nonstop chuckling, chortling, and cackling. Yogic breathing exercises supplement the therapeutic value. The month of June will be an ideal time for you Sagittarians to launch local branches of these Laughter Clubs. The astrological omens say you'll be running into an extraordinary number of funny things. That's lucky for you, because you have a lot of accumulated tension to purge, and the best way to do that is by having hilarious experiences.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Your guardian angel is in a feisty mood. I wouldn't be surprised if that not-so-imaginary friend played a trick on you in an attempt to get you to lighten up. Nor would I be shocked if that wise old fool woke you up in the middle of the night to teach you a new freedom song. A kick in the butt isn't out of the question; nor is a tickling sensation in your id or an oddly pleasurable itch in your funny bone. No matter what form they take, Capricorn, I urge you to regard these visits from your secret helper as gifts of inspiration.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): The Weekly World News sponsored Wear Your Thong to Work Day last March 26. I didn't tell you about it back then because you just weren't ready for it. This week, though, I can justify advising you to stage your very own Wear Your Thong to Work Day. According to my reading of the astrological omens, you'll have a lot more slack than usual whenever you express the raw, uninhibited, risk-taking sides of your nature. If doing the thong thing isn't the way you'd prefer to cash in on this opportunity, choose something that's a more unique reflection of your daring side. How about an Indulge Your Fantasies Day, or a Be Your Future Self Day?
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): In the Greek myth, Persephone was abducted by Pluto, god of the underworld. He took her to his domain with the intention of making her his queen. Persephone's mother, Demeter, pleaded with Zeus to intervene, and he agreed to do so, declaring that as long as Persephone had not eaten any food while in the underworld, she had to be returned to her mother. But by then it was too late: Persephone had already nibbled four pomegranate seeds. Eventually, a compromise was reached: Zeus decreed that Persephone must dwell in Pluto's realm for four months of every year, but could live in the sunlight the rest of the time. The moral of the story, as far as you're concerned, Pisces: Don't eat even one bite of that underworld food.
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