By Albert Samaha
By Steve Weinstein
By Devon Maloney
By Tessa Stuart
By Alison Flowers
By Albert Samaha
By Jesse Jarnow
By Eric Tsetsi
ARIES (March 21-April 19): "Let that which stood in front go behind!" roared Walt Whitman in his poem "Respondez!" "And let that which was behind advance to the front and speak." That's the first clue you should meditate on in the coming week, Aries. Your second hint is from Bob Dylan, who could have been talking to you when he wrote these words for his song "The Times They Are A-Changin' ": "The slow one now/Will later be fast/And the first one now/Will later be last."
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Are you the type of person who is capable of altering your trajectory in midair? Let's say, hypothetically speaking, that you worked in the circus as a human cannonball. Let's say you had just been shot out of a cannon but sensed you were headed toward a spot on the ground a few feet beyond the safety net. Could you wiggle or shimmy in such a way that you accomplished a midcourse correction, ensuring that you landed where you wanted to? In my astrological opinion, Taurus, you could.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): According to my research, astrologers and economic forecasters are about equally accurate in their predictions. The difference is that some astrologers can provide useful financial advice, whereas most economists can't distinguish a Mercury-Saturn conjunction from a transit by retrograde Venus. Given the fact that you're in a phase when you'll thrive on financial advice from a metaphysical perspective, I suggest you seek input only from the first type, the business-savvy stargazers. And since I'm one of them, I'm happy to offer you this tip: Having a sensitive soul and spiritual yearnings are often impediments to getting richer quicker, but for now the reverse is true for you.
The Televisionary Oracle
A Novel by Rob Brezsny
A lusty but sensitive rock star encounters the leader of a goddess - worshiping religious order that values pranks as much as prayers.
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Want to know more about Rob, or look up past horoscopes? Visit freewillastrology.com.
You can contact Rob at firstname.lastname@example.org.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): I have a pleasant assignment for you, Cancerian: Decide what form of abundance is most important to you. Is it money? Friendship? The land you own? Is it romantic love or creative inspiration or your children? Of course you probably value several different kinds of abundance, but your challenge right now is to determine the one that you prize above all others. Whatever you decide it is, it will flourish in the next four weeks.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): You've got that look in your eye, Leothat slightly demented, fervently giddy expression I see in you every now and then. Judging from previous experience, I surmise you're about to either launch a brave quest to the frontiers of your understanding or else hurl yourself into a sticky abyss where all the demons adore you. You realize there's a difference, right? One is scary fun and the other is glamorous torment. Please go to your room, take a hundred deep, slow breaths, and meditate about what you should do next to prove how much you love yourself.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Wal-Mart is famous for the stingy pay and benefits it offers its employees. But another giant chain store, Costco, is the opposite. It's so good to its workers that some business gurus disapprove. "From the perspective of investors, Costco's benefits are overly generous," says retail analyst Bill Dreher, quoted in The Wall Street Journal. He thinks the company's benevolence depresses its stock value because investors are afraid its profit margins aren't as high as they could be. But the fact is that Costco is very successful, and its five-year growth rate has been 10.1 percent annually, better than Wal-Mart's 9.8 percent. All this is preface, Virgo, for my warning that your gifts may also be criticized in the coming week. Be unfazed, please. Have faith that the best way to build your prosperity is to cultivate your generosity.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): According to my reading of the astrological omens, you're about to receive a burst of attentionmaybe even be offered your 15 minutes of fame. If you don't especially care about being seen on TV, quoted in the newspaper, or gossiped about by professionals, you should negotiate with fate to bring you a heightened visibility that's more useful and interesting. How about having your good work get more recognition and appreciation from the few people who really matter, for instance? I'm sure you can have a lot of influence on how your higher profile manifests, Libra. All you have to do is get very clear about what you really want.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Your magical powers will be at a peak in the coming days. Reading people's minds will be the least of what you're capable of. I wouldn't be shocked if you were able to concoct love potions in your kitchen, get useful tips from the spirits of the dead, or control the weather in your vicinity. Given the fact that you'll be able to accomplish wonders I can't even imagine, I'm reluctant to make a suggestion. Who am I to give advice to a potential superhero? But I feel it's my duty to let you know that the very best use of your magical powers will be as follows: to help those in need, to fight for justice and freedom, and to conjure up miraculous sex.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Have you ever seen that bumper sticker that goes, "I am brilliant and talented, but I have to do dumb and self-destructive things to relax"? Studies at the Free Will Astrology Think Tank have shown that a far higher percentage of Sagittarians exemplify this bad habit than any other sign. Even if you aren't dominated by it, you probably fall victim to it every once in a while. That's the bad news. The good news is that you now have the power to break its hold on you. By August 1, with hard work and a little grace, you could very well have earned the right to put the following bumper sticker on your car or refrigerator: "I am so brilliant and talented that I've discovered how to relax in uplifting ways that enhance my brilliance and talent."