By Alex Distefano
By Scott Snowden
By Anna Merlan
By Steve Almond
By Jena Ardell
By Jon Campbell
By Alan Scherstuhl
By Tessa Stuart
The Dwight D. Eisenhower Position
This is vital if the man is to maintain control of his penis: Whether inserting or receiving, he should always facilitate a sure footing. The man (X), once precision-launched at a 160° angle from the Orgasm Gun (see Ballistics Report, pg. 792), should lead with the penis and follow with the body, the feet landing in concert with initial penetration. The other man, receivee (Y), once precision-launched from the opposite direction, should tuck his body into a ball and lead with the buttocks, in order to maneuver a successful full-moon display. Or, as may be the case, depending on the desire, cunning, and airborne flight skill of Y, the finger-in-anus slip slide counter-insert.
Please bear in mind, regarding the above passage, that my role was that of X. Please also try not to focus on the fact that after Luke ejaculated inside of me, I had to be rushed to the hospital, where, despite the frenzied efforts of a team of urologists, I lost a testicle. I, apparently, had not crouched properly during my admittedly chaotic flight, and my left testicle burst upon impact with Luke's buttocks when we inadvertently collided in mid-air.
Q. There's been much talk here by Paul Bremer about this newly instated holiday called Muslim Thanksgiving. The first one will be on June 30. Anything you can tell me about what to expect regarding this forthcoming holiday? SLEEPLESS IN NAJAF
A. Dear Sleepless, This is an excellent question, but a difficult one to answer. Here in the Homeland, initial press reports suggest your first Muslim Thanksgiving will involve the ritual supper of either a pig wearing a feathered headdress or a free-range bald eagle cooked with an apple in its beak. Alas, I wish I had more info on this subject to share with you. But in reality, the scope of my knowledge about the Muslim religion is, like that of many Americans, pretty much zilch. I do, however, know that prayer is an essential part of your religion. And when I use the word prayer, I'm not using it in the terroristorial sensei.e., according to the White House's Multicultural/Racial Profiling expert, Tom Ridge, the current crop of terrorists brewing in the Middle East believe the male ejaculate is the actual prayer. And furthermore, Islamic law apparently states that in order to register a Successful Prayer in Terrorist Heaven, a man must precision-guide his spooge into his wife's cunt with such cataclysmic force that said spooge comes spiraling out the wife's mouth posthaste and lands in a collection plate perched on the bedside table. Which helps explain that now famous home video (you know, the one released to the major networks by the American government during the buildup to the war) of the Head Terrorist and his cohorts. In which we see those bellicose, turbaned terrorists crowing in subtitles. As they chug their own seed from teacups and chortle gleefully about their so-called "recyclable prayer."
Gabe Hudson served as a rifleman in the marine reserves during the early '90s. His first book of fiction,Dear Mr. President, about the Persian Gulf War, won the Sue Kaufman Prize from the American Academy of Arts and Letters and was a PEN/ Hemingway finalist.