By Alex Distefano
By Scott Snowden
By Anna Merlan
By Steve Almond
By Jena Ardell
By Jon Campbell
By Alan Scherstuhl
By Tessa Stuart
7. Unlearn all the TV sexuality training of the last several decadesand carry on as if you've got a gerbil up your ass and a KYLIE album waiting at home. Gay is cool now. Queers are the new Latins. You can be a flaming fagin fact, for the next five minutes they'd love you to be one, even if you're not gay. So flail those wrists and say "hel-leaux." You're a star, girl!
8. Finally, don't think you're getting on TV at all ifRolling Stone's TOURÉ is availableand he's always available (almost as much as I am). Be as realistic as Ms. Reid herself on a red carpet when Paris Hilton has just shown up. But I'll shut up now. There are no cameras in my cubicle.
HX magazine ("literate and compelling," says MURRAY HILL) has long provided one-stop shopping for frisky gay clubbies. The cover model tends to make you all steamy, which preps you for the horse-hung hustler ads in the back, which lead you to the notices for specialists who can laser off the resulting genital warts. Throw in a Q&A with DEBORAH COX and what more do you need? And the mag's annual awards show (at which I presented) is always a gay scream. This time, emceed by CASHETTA at Spirit, there was a post-Tonys gush from Avenue Q's JOHN TARTAGLIA ("I got to touch HUGH JACKMAN. Let's talk about that!"), an admission from Camp director TODD GRAFF ("I'm a faithful reader of HX's last five pages"), and an emission from award winner FLOTILLA DEBARGE ("I was the SUSAN LUCCI of drag. Now I'm the PHYLICIA RASHAD!").
Meanwhile, the Maria Montez of drag, Warhol superstar HOLLY WOODLAWN, will be played by Taboo's adorable EUAN MORTON in the movie version of Holly's memoir, A Low Life in High Heels, according to New York Blade's DAVID NOH. ALEXIS ARQUETTE will co-star as Warholand the Angelika, I bet, is already booked.
In my only straight news, the best recent sign spotted was the one at Barnes & Noble: "BILL CLINTON coming soon." I bet he is, rim shot.
Welcome to the career nook, where I tell you about everyone's upwardly mobile job opportunities, as my own career slides into the tar pits. Drag king MURRAY HILL is the latest offbeat celebrity to get his own TV show. (Details to come.) Meanwhile, the Corsair reports that former E! mook A.J. BENZA says he's getting in the upper six figures to host a reality program of his own. (WhatBig Brudda? Again, details to come.) Still in the amazing race, ex-New York magazine editor CAROLINE MILLER has apparently gotten the backing to start up a W-type publication. And I hear FRANK DiGIACOMO is penning an oral history of Page Six for Vanity Fair (which makes delightful sense since he used to edit that very column).
An even larger slice of American pie, C. DAVID HEYMANN's Triumph and Tragedya book about JOHN F. KENNEDY, JR. and his sister CAROLINEwill explore the rumors that John-John was notoriously bisexual. Funny, he never bought me anything.
Now someone help me find my career.