Or were we? The Lower East Side contestants ranged from a sex-toy addict to a Marxist theory deconstructionist, but the winner was Miss Allen Street, who dressed like a crazy old Hispanic woman and threatened to start a sex dungeon for the ancient. She won in the voting, but fellow judges the WAU-WAU SISTERS and Le Tigre's JD SAMSON wanted to rethink that, and another judge, MARGA GOMEZ, was also freaking because she's been accused of having slept with the winners before, and Miss Allen had announced her love for Marga onstage. Still, we stuck with it since tampering, after all, led to our lovely president's reign.
By the way, another judge, LINDA SIMPSON, is restarting My Comrade, her East Village gay political mag, with a testy test issue. If that publication doesn't get some appetizing dirt on Diesel, I'm gonna hurl again, folks.
The King and Oy
Fire, ice, and horses are the stars of King Arthuralong with the large appendage of a character who describes it as "too much to handle. It's like a baby's arm holding an apple." I used it to vault to the after-party at the Cathedral of St. John the Divine, where Renaissance Faire types served glogg (and apples) as I asked spunky co-star KEIRA KNIGHTLEY if she feels the movie is basically Camelot without songs. "It is not like Camelot at all," balked Knightley, "but you can have a Camelot legend and you can have this movie. Variety is what we live for!" No, I prefer the Hollywood Reporter. "I hate watching myself," she went on, "but the movie is magically done, so it must be good." OKpoof!
I vaulted back into the present by wandering into SCOTT NEVINS's Broadway night at Therapy, where Taboo's EUAN MORTON was spewing fire and ice, telling the crowd, "I pay taxes so Bush can kill innocent people. I should be a citizen!" I don't know if Morton's hung like a baby's arm, but he definitely has wonderful balls.
And so do the fun patrons at Marie's Crisis, where you drunkenly belt out Vin Diesel-ish show tunes while praying no one catches you there. Alas for him, I instantly spotted the aforementioned Jeff Whitty, who gamely squealed, "It's my first time!" Yeah, and I'm straight!