By Alex Distefano
By Scott Snowden
By Anna Merlan
By Steve Almond
By Jena Ardell
By Jon Campbell
By Alan Scherstuhl
By Tessa Stuart
ARIES (March 21-April 19): Two years ago, scientists discovered a secret underground river running more than 800 feet below a Mauritanian town in the Sahara Desert. With a flow rate of 8,450 gallons per hourenough to supply the needs of 50,000 peopleit is the biggest unnamed river in the world. I predict that you'll soon make an analogous find in your own domain, Aries. What is the valuable resource that has always been near you, but hidden? Any day now, you'll know.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): I took a long, meandering walk today. After an hour, I found myself in an unfamiliar neighborhood on a wide paved road. In the middle of a long straight stretch there were two street signs next to each other. The one on the rightthe direction from which I had comesaid "Split Drive." The one on the leftwhere I was headedsaid "Union Avenue." There was no intersection here and no bend in the road to mark the changeno apparent distinction at all between Split and Union. Study all these details, Taurus. They're symbols for your life in the coming week.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Golfer Phil Mickelson has had an odd career. During his first 12 years as a pro, the 34-year-old Gemini won 22 tournaments and earned more than $25 million. But because he had never finished first in any of the four major tournaments, sportswriters branded him as a loser. When he finally captured the top spot at the Masters last April, they acted as if he had exorcised some terrible ancient curse. I suspect that many of you Geminis will soon be subject to expectations and pressures as absurd as those once directed at Mickelson. Please resist the urge to buy into them. Don't let others manipulate you into trying to live up to their pathological standards of success.
The Televisionary Oracle
A Novel by Rob Brezsny
A lusty but sensitive rock star encounters the leader of a goddess - worshiping religious order that values pranks as much as prayers.
Check out Rob's band World Entertainment War.
Want to know more about Rob, or look up past horoscopes? Visit freewillastrology.com.
You can contact Rob at email@example.com.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): To pump up their volume above the prevailing human din, some nightingales in big cities have learned to unleash 95-decibel songs, matching the loudness of a chainsaw. I'd love to see you make a similar push, Cancerian, because, let's face it, if your output remains at its current level, you'll continue to be half-invisible, never making the impact you should. So raise your intensity, please. Whatever you've been doing to express your uniqueness, do it louder. However you've been contributing your beauty to the world, do it bigger.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): "Dear Dr. Brezsny: I need someone to rescue me! My therapist fell asleep during our last session! Even my mother won't return my calls! And the man I love just told me he's not emotionally attached to me and is planning to marry a woman he's known for six weeks! I'm smoking too much and drinking every night and crying myself to sleep. I'm afraid I'll end up as a middle-aged cat lady wearing a housecoat and sponge rollers in my hair, drinking gin straight out of the bottle! I need some bright, wise soul to restore me to health and wholeness and hope! Lamed Lioness." Dear Lioness: According to my reading of the astrological omens, there's a special person who'll soon be in a perfect position to rescue you. That person is you yourself! The same thing's true about a majority of your fellow Leos: They're on the verge of becoming their own saviors. Any minute now, you'll all know exactly how to convert your breakdowns into breakthroughs.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): I think what you're about to experience is summed up well by the bumper sticker I saw today: If a pig flies, don't criticize it for not staying up long.In other words, Virgo, the most righteous response to the wonders you've been experiencing is delighted gratitudeeven if the wonders don't quite live up to their initial promise or your early expectations. Ironically, this approach is the only one that will make it possible for the pig to fly again in the future.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Your life has brought you many maddeningly inconclusive adventures. On occasion, you've probably been tempted to invest what was left of your battered faith in the doctrine proclaimed by Gertrude Stein: "There ain't no answer. There ain't going to be any answer. There never has been an answer. That's the answer." But now the time has come for you to suspend your belief in Stein's theory and others like it. During the next five months, I predict that you will be given more precise, definitive answers than you've ever had before.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Each day many of your cells expire and are replaced by others. As long as you live, this relentless process of death and rebirth never abates. Periodically, then, you have a completely new set of flesh and bones that retains none of the same atoms you were composed of earlier. Think back, for example, to the physical body you inhabited in July 1999. There is nothing left of that old thing! In a sense, you have reincarnated without having to endure the inconvenience of dying. Do you realize how free this makes you? In the coming week, Scorpio, take full advantage of this gift. Show how much you appreciate it.