By Alex Distefano
By Scott Snowden
By Anna Merlan
By Steve Almond
By Jena Ardell
By Jon Campbell
By Alan Scherstuhl
By Tessa Stuart
In younger-offspring scandal news, I'm still amused by the OLSEN TWINS' parents' outrage over tabloid claims that MARY-KATE is a coke addict, not an anorexic. "How dare you say our little darling is a drug user!" the folks seem to be saying. "She's simply besotted with low self-esteem and social-isolation issues and is basically trying to slow-kill herself through starvation, OK?" Or maybe they're just mad that coke isn't a fun drug.
Sadly, Eric Douglas is gone, drugs having anesthetized him to a life in the shadows (including sexually; the poor queen was hiding in so many ways). I'll miss his eternal, bruised optimism.
Moving on to my suicide: I recently asked Corsair blogsman RON MWANGAGUHUNGA to get A.J. BENZA to elaborate on a Corsair item that the gossip mook was hosting a reality show. "I'd do anything for Musto," A.J. responded to Ron, swearing he'd forward the info shortly. Instead, he adorably gave it to Page Six! And he used to be the fun kind of corrupt. Now where's that redemption window?
Those rare headbangers with feelings, the METALLICA guys talk about them at length in Metallica: Some Kind of Monster, their Freudian, feature-length Behind the Music. At the premiere, we knew we were in for a sensitive journey when the co-director said, "We grew tremendously as people" while making the movie, and lead singer JAMES HETFIELD thanked "my higher power for putting this challenge in front of me. That was a real gift." "I want to thank ourselves!" interjected drummer LARS ULRICH, more earthily. "We had the balls to see this through and none of us pussied out!"
My higher power gifted me with an invite to PM magazine's party at Ruby Falls, where cute JOHNNY KNOXVILLE DJ'd and told me about his upcoming pussied-out JOHN WATERS romp, A Dirty Shame. "It's so naughty. I don't know what I'm gonna tell Mom," he said. "Oh well, she sat through Jackass." Is Johnny's messianic-perv part really such a stretch? "Yes," he swore. "Everyone knows my biggest vice is singing too loud in church!" For me, it's screaming too loud in casinos.
Web Exclusive, 7.16.04
In the boldest bid for a paycheck since two-time Oscar-winning Bette Davis took out a trade ad announcing her employment availability, Entertainment Weekly's recently dismissed "Hot Sheet" author Jim Mullen has sent out a semi-sardonic mass email pleading for cushy, lucrative work. In the cutely ballsy message, Mullen begs:
"Jim Mullen, late of Entertainment Weekly and author of the worst seller It Takes a Village Idiot is in desperate need of a highly paid, no-show job. Won't you please help? He is heavily in debt from gambling on bass fishing contests and the expense of being on a low carb diet for the past two years. God, have you seen the price of cheese? It's through the roof.
"Jim likes long walks on the beach, expense-paid travel to Cannes and Park City, shopping bags full of free PR swag, 'interviewing' supermodels, and being taken to lunch at expensive, trendy restaurants. You want creativity? You want humor? You want to push the envelope? Then call Joel Stein. But if you want this kind of crap, I'm at... [phone number withheld].
"P.S. If a guy named Nick 'The Shark' Rotowski asks about me, tell him I died."
Sadly, Nick just sent me an email toolooking for a job.
Web Exclusive, 7.19.04
The next kooky docu-show to hit cable will be Bravo's BackSpin, a celeb biography program that vaguely sounds like the E! True Hollywood Story meets Harold Pinter. BackSpin will cover entertainers' lives and careers, analyzing influences and obstacles along the way, but in reverse chronological order! Good very it's hope I.
Moving chronologically forward, the massively exposed Paris Hilton is complicating her simple life once again by posing, I hear, for the cover of Rolling Stone. Heatherette is dressing her for the shoot, David LaChapelle is photographing her, and the whole world is preparing for her inevitable BackSpin.