By Jena Ardell
By Jon Campbell
By Alan Scherstuhl
By Tessa Stuart
By Roy Edroso
By Jon Campbell
By Albert Samaha
By Zachary D. Roberts
The most fun I had on the worst club night of the week was on the Friday jaunt that brought me to Cunt in Crobar's Reed Room (the only time I've ever been to Cunt, I assure you. I'm ready, Star!); then to Quo (a/k/a Quo Bar) across the street, a chevron-floored mini-dome where doorman GILBERT STAFFORD cracks a whip with humor and style; and then, of all places, to Lotus, where safe in a back room, MICHAEL T plays kitsch nostalgia tunes for cracked straights as three baby drag queens host, proving once and for all that the cross-dressers are crossing over. The last stop was APT, where I got a great show just watching the inebriated parade of squalid wannabes being belittled by the charmless doorman who kept screaming, "Don't touch me!" I didn't envy anyoneexcept myself, when, unadmitted, I was in a state of misery and finally free to go home.
And finally, the worst overheard quote had a lily-white preppie telling a Sprint store worker, "I don't mind this phone being ghetto, as long as it works." Eewwhite guys using ghetto? Don't touch me!
Nora Ephron's Lucky Guy Digests Its Drama for You; NAATCO's Strindberg Diminishes a Dream
Which has-been teen idol actually slept with one of his cousins andmore shockinglyit was a female one? Which showbiz tell-all nervously shredded a startling chapter on sexual harassment mere moments before going to press? Which publicist was reported in this column to be naked on bigmuscle.com and as a result took down his aroused wee-wee shot? (We've got power, folksbut not that much; he kept up all the other images.) Which downtown makeup artist's leap into the big time is so threatening to a more established compact wielder that the latter is pathetically trying voodoo techniques in revenge?
What did a source call to sincerely tell me when she first spotted that black mogul going out with the lady he later married? (Free answer: "[Mogul's] dating a trannie prostie.") Which drag queen turned down the chance to be on the pullout cover of a style magazine because they wouldn't give her retouching approval? Which other drag queen said of another drag queen, when the latter won a nightclub award, "But she's been fired from every single job she's had this year"? Which deposed reality-show personality goes to parties with a look-alike of that show's main star to remind people who he is/was? What play about the importance of being out-out-out starred someone who went in-in-in? What's MARTHA STEWART's wet dream come true? (Five months' home confinement.)
Web Exclusive, 7.16.04
In the boldest bid for a paycheck since two-time Oscar-winning Bette Davis took out a trade ad announcing her employment availability, Entertainment Weekly's recently dismissed "Hot Sheet" author Jim Mullen has sent out a semi-sardonic mass email pleading for cushy, lucrative work. In the cutely ballsy message, Mullen begs:
"Jim Mullen, late of Entertainment Weekly and author of the worst seller It Takes a Village Idiot is in desperate need of a highly paid, no-show job. Won't you please help? He is heavily in debt from gambling on bass fishing contests and the expense of being on a low carb diet for the past two years. God, have you seen the price of cheese? It's through the roof.
"Jim likes long walks on the beach, expense-paid travel to Cannes and Park City, shopping bags full of free PR swag, 'interviewing' supermodels, and being taken to lunch at expensive, trendy restaurants. You want creativity? You want humor? You want to push the envelope? Then call Joel Stein. But if you want this kind of crap, I'm at... [phone number withheld].
"P.S. If a guy named Nick 'The Shark' Rotowski asks about me, tell him I died."
Sadly, Nick just sent me an email toolooking for a job.
Web Exclusive, 7.19.04
The next kooky docu-show to hit cable will be Bravo's BackSpin, a celeb biography program that vaguely sounds like the E! True Hollywood Story meets Harold Pinter. BackSpin will cover entertainers' lives and careers, analyzing influences and obstacles along the way, but in reverse chronological order! Good very it's hope I.
Moving chronologically forward, the massively exposed Paris Hilton is complicating her simple life once again by posing, I hear, for the cover of Rolling Stone. Heatherette is dressing her for the shoot, David LaChapelle is photographing her, and the whole world is preparing for her inevitable BackSpin.