By Jared Chausow
By Katie Toth
By Elizabeth Flock
By Albert Samaha
By Anna Merlan
By Jon Campbell
By Jon Campbell
By Albert Samaha
See, let me explain what red-carpet hard labor is like for bedraggled press droogs: You jostle for a place behind a rope along with stringers from Lithuanian Marie Claire and bulldozers from Access Hollywood. For 30 minutes, you dodge the oncoming parade of O.C. extras desperate to be interviewed, panting when the stars of the movie finally come, only to watch them submit to overlong interrogations from all manner of approved sociopaths. By the time they get to you, they've been anesthetized by queries about their favorite handbags and most momentous bikini waxes and you've cracked too, trying to stay upright while mentally rehearsing your big moment. ("Can I call you Meryl, Meryl?" "Manchurian, Denzel? I thought you were black!") At long last, you're about to hit stardirt, but the icon's personal publicist spots you and yanks her client away, claiming the moviewhich, remember, you can't seehas to start right now. Just as well: The guy next to you, from an Internet radio show in Dutchess County, was going to stick his tape recorder in the star's face and steal your sad scoop anyway!
KITTY DO CACA
But I did get into one big premierefor Catwoman, that lugubrious furball in which a mousy, as it were, woman dresses like a big pussy to save the world from the side effects of beauty cream usage! It would be a powerful feminist message if HALLE BERRY weren't half naked and also indulging in a vicious catfight (ooh, I made another funny) with the film's other strong female. Add to the mix a flitty gay character who runs around screeching "Hello!" and you'll be looking for the nearest litter box. At the after-event at an appropriately black-cloth-shrouded Henri Bendel, the publicist party line regressed from "If you want to talk to Halle when she gets here, just let us know" to "Things are going to be very tight. But right now we have TONY DANZA, ESTEBAN CORTAZAR, and CECE KIESELSTEIN-CORD." Get meow-ta here!
If I can drop the catty act for a second, I have some human news: It's that, while JESSICA SIMPSON may be dumb, her father isn't, having spawned and promoted a whole other all-access chanteuse. She's Jess's sister ASHLEE SIMPSON, who's rockier, but in a generic, polished way that's gone down easily on MTV, in 7th Heaven, and just about everywhere crinkle fries are served. "Oh my God!" Ashlee with two e's was gushing at her PM lounge record-release bash last week after a day of high-end promo. "I've dreamed of this ever since I was a kid!" (The dramaturgical diva is all of 19 now.)
Intrigued, I crowded in for my one-on-one, summoning the fruits of all my years of toilet scrubbing and highway cruising to pay for my Ivy League journalism education. With great dignity, I proceeded to ask perky Ashlee if rock is essential to her very being. "I've always loved rock music," she enthused. "I love to get gritty and have fun. People say, 'You're so nice. How can you like rock music?' But it's who I am!" Fine, no prob, babebut are you more rock than, say AVRIL LAVIGNE? Pause. Potential land mine. "I don't know what more rock is or whatever," she responded, safely eschewing any dis of little miss cuckoo Canuck. Thank God or I'd have to drag her off the stage at the Aladdin and cancel her Slim-Fast commercial. (Besides, a daily reporter had his tape recorder in her face the whole time anyway!)
I finally broke down and went to a press conferencewhich is like a red carpet without a ropeonly because it was at a funeral home, where I thought I could search around and find my career. Instead, I found KIKI & HERB, the boozy lounge duo created by JUSTIN BOND and KENNY MELLMAN, promoting their September 19 "farewell concert" at Carnegie Hall, called Kiki & Herb Will Die for You, with a faux funeral.
The Perazzo-home eventthe most memorably tasteless one since Chuckles the Clown diedwas as hilariously mordant as SCOTT BAIO's appearance at Reagan's bye-bye (or maybe Tony Danza's at Catwoman's). "We're used to hearing, 'What a tragedy. They died so young,' " eulogized playwright DOUG WRIGHT, touchingly. "Not appropriate here. Kiki & Herb took far too long to die." He generously added that the duo had already perished "again and again on stages ranging from Peekskill to Piscataway." But just then, Kiki & Herb popped out with mics in hand, proving that vaudeville may be dead, but they're still here and ready to give nihilism a melody line. They slayed us with a song, then Kiki croaked, "Today's a gift. That's why they call it the present!"